Saturday, March 27, 2010 

Alternative pledge card.

Now that we've seen Labour's 5 election pledges, a collection of the vacuous, the obvious, the reactionary and the piss-poor, all about as inspiring, innovative and and forward-thinking as the large amounts of vomit which will duly be deposited on the pavements of the nation's towns and cities tonight, I can't help thinking that the party would be better off going with this alternative, featured in the latest Viz:

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3/27/2010 08:44:00 PM | | | links to this post

Tuesday, March 23, 2010 

Insert rhyme or "joke" about labour here.

Westminster was rocked to its foundations yesterday after the revelation that a woman is expecting a baby in September.

One source, speaking to Obsolete through a speculum, raved: "This changes absolutely everything. Never before has a woman been pregnant during a general election campaign. The manifestos of all the main parties will have to be completely rewritten as a result. How can Gordon Brown possibly continue with his message of Labour investment against Tory cuts now?"

The nation's press were equally awestruck by the developments. Many were so stunned that they genuinely thought that rhyming Sam Cam with "mam" was amusing, while the Daily Mail settled upon "SAM'S HAVING A BABYCAM!", in an apparent reference to Babycham, which absolutely no one got. Pages were filled with the political implications of the leader of the opposition's wife having a child, the Guardian noting in a by no means pretentious aside that "the fact she will be pregnant will give her presence on the campaign trail greater piquancy". This unfortunately resulted in the news about small matters like parliamentary corruption being shifted to page 94, to give space to Zoe Williams to write about how this changes everything in an entertaining and certainly not interminable fashion.

There was also certainly no ulterior motives in the announcement being made yesterday. That on Sunday there was an embarrassing photoshoot featuring Glam Sam Cam (soon to be mam) in the tabloids, something knocked entirely off the news agenda with the news of the pregnancy, was just a coincidence, and an unintended side effect. No one would ever be so cynical with such happy news.

One thing was however cleared up yesterday. Everyone had previously assumed that David Cameron was referring to his wife when he discussed his "secret weapon". It's now apparent that he was in fact talking about his cock.

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3/23/2010 09:36:00 PM | | | links to this post

Tuesday, March 16, 2010 

Theme tune.

As Jamie, Justin and Mike have all decided on what the theme tune for their blogs is, I simply have to follow suit. You can find it here.

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3/16/2010 10:17:00 PM | | | links to this post

Monday, March 15, 2010 

Celebrity endorsements.

Is there, or can you think of a less exciting celebrity endorsement of a political party than that of today's quite brilliant Sun front page, announcing to the world Andy McNab has switched his support to the Conservatives? I've been racking my brains, but I can only mainly come up with slightly contentious or potentially offensive endorsements, such as Michael Barrymore pledging his vote to Labour, or just naff ones, such as Noel Edmonds bigging up the Lib Dems.

Then again, perhaps this is just part of the way in which political programmes have tried to get down with the kids or have non-political but "normal" guests, hence the appearance of Monty Don on Question Time or Lady Sovereign deciding she didn't want to be on This Week after all (She says she had a panic attack, which is fair enough). Closer to May the 6th, can we look forward to learning who Maggot from Goldie Lookin' Chain is going to put an x in the box for, or whether Daniella Westbrook is going to use her vote?

(I mean, that's presuming that actually is Andy McNab behind the porn-like obscuring black block with Dave; after all, it could be some bloke that was wandering around Westminster that they got to pose with him for a fiver. How do we even know that Andy McNab exists, or that he really is voting for the Tories? Why am I writing this unfunny crap?)

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3/15/2010 09:57:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, February 25, 2010 

Lookalike.

Am I the only one to be struck by the resemblance that the Mad Hatter in the new Alice in Wonderland and Madonna, another wacky funster, share?

Madonna.

Mad Hatter.

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2/25/2010 09:54:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, February 19, 2010 

Please make it stop.

TIGER WOODS SENSATION

"I WAS A GOLFER," ADMITS SEX MANIAC

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Thursday, February 18, 2010 

Your new overlord has been overcome.

I have to announce the sad news that Stumpy the Gerbil, who put himself forward as a Conservative candidate for the next election after David Cameron's appeal for those who shared his values to join the party, will be unable to take part in the long promised debate with Katie the Dog as he has, as rodents tend to do with depressing regularity, died.

For a rodent who lost the use of his back limbs after an apparent accident in a wheel, he lived to a fine old age of over 3, and as I can't quite recall in which litter he was born, he was either between 3 years and 5 months or 3 years and 2 months old, outliving all but two of his brothers and sisters. He simply crawled into the wheel in his cage, curled up, and died peacefully, leaving his father who he had lived with all his life as the only remaining occupant. Thankfully, as he had no estate, he will not be liable for any form of death tax, which he would have doubtlessly been pleased about considering his long-held Conservative value system.

I again don't know whether this photo actually features Stumpy as a pup, but hey, it's cute, and there isn't nearly enough cute stuff on this blog:

RIP Stump. You will be missed.

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2/18/2010 09:04:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, February 04, 2010 

Diana in outrage hell.

We all know how much I love Twitter, which reading back now, seems to be one of the most staggeringly hypocritical and self-fulfilling statements that I've ever put together here:

... it's a glorified instant messaging service where every stalker and sad sack can follow your ever so fascinating immediate thoughts ...

Err, yeah. Doesn't describe me at all. Sorry.

This though is hilarious (via Anton), although it's doubtless already spreading around like an online version of the clap. The Express, that journal which dedicated itself to keeping the memory of Princess Diana alive by splashing almost every Monday with a new conspiracy theory fresh from the fevered imagination of the owner of a certain fuggin' Knightsbridge department store, has discovered that someone is besmirching their favourite dead ex-royal by pretending to tweet as Diana from heaven. Cue the outrage:

A SICK prankster has set up a social networking website as Princess Diana.

The macabre Twitter page pretends the messages come from heaven. One says: “I can’t talk about Dodi (Al Fayed) for legal reasons.”

The fake Diana criticises the small numbers turning up to her memorial fountain in London, claiming nobody realises it was filled with the Queen Mother’s gin. Referring to the site of her fatal car crash, she says: “Now looking down at Pont de l’Alma tunnel. Bigger turnout than at Memorial Fountain.”

Alan Berry, co-founder of the Diana Appreciation Society, urged Twitter to ban the page. He said: “It’s sick that some people can pretend to be Diana. What respect is that showing?”

Twitter allows people to impersonate others as long as it is clear it is a joke but last night the firm failed to respond to questions about the Diana page.

It seems that @dianainheaven is in the wrong business. Pretend to be someone dead in a humourous fashion on a social networking site and you're sick; pretend to be a journalist and you can become the royal reporter on the Express.

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2/04/2010 09:44:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, January 08, 2010 

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

Surely if there's one thing that shows the progress in Northern Ireland, it's that Iris Robinson's lover has been revealed not just to be 19-years-old (now 21) but also a Catholic. To go from not sitting down with that man to laying down with him in little more than 10 years must mean there's hope for all other unsolved conflicts around the world.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009 

Baby P mum is a woman.

THE twisted evil monster mother of tortured Baby P is a woman, Obsolete can exclusively reveal.

Our exclusive source, Fag Ash Lil, who shared a cell with the evil monster in Holloway, told us how she was shocked when she discovered the truth about the evil ex-bar worker.

"I was shocked when I discovered the truth about the evil ex-bar worker. Every time when she finished eating, which wasn't often, as the fat evil bitch was always stuffing her face, she would go to the toilet. Rather than go into the men's, or the unisex disabled facilities, she would go in the WOMEN'S. I was shocked when I discovered this."

"Tracey told me, because we were close until I realised she was an evil twisted monster, that when she was younger she would sometimes use the men's. She was that sort of girl. She even used to go to raves and sometimes used the men's there. I was shocked when I found out she used the women's here."

Another Holloway source confirmed the evil twisted monster Connelly had used the women's, adding: "It stank."

Obsolete has chosen not to publish the location of the toilet in Holloway which the evil monster used, as we've made the entire thing up.

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8/13/2009 09:19:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, August 07, 2009 

Greek tragedy.

Pakistani and American authorities were celebrating today after they had succeeded in cutting off the head of the hydra, also known as Baitullah Mehsud. The weapon used to decapitate the hydra, the pilotless drone, armed with the missile of Hades, aimed a successful strike against the beast's head, cutting it clean off.

Others were however sceptical at whether the cutting off of the Hydra's head would end its reign of terror. One expert said: "This is by no means the end. The cutting off of the Hydra's head will simply result in it growing back two where once there was just one. The only way to bring this battle to an end is not just to cut off the head, but also to scorch the ends where they would otherwise grow back. That is far more difficult."

Osama bin Hercules could not be reached for comment.

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8/07/2009 10:10:00 PM | | | links to this post

Monday, May 25, 2009 

Your new overlord.

In line with Jamie's decision to enter his dog as a Conservative candidate for the next election, as a response to David Cameron's call for those who shares his values but who are not robots or necessarily Tories to join his party and become prospective MPs, I have decided that Stumpy the gerbil is the sensible candidate for these sensible times.

Stumpy is everything a modern Conservative should be: he may be hideously white, but his red eyes certainly make him stand out from the crowd. Despite suffering an accident while in a wheel which resulted in him losing the use of his back legs, which he then chewed down to stumps in frustration at his predicament, he still believes in standing on his own two (front) feet, and has more than overcame his adversity through nothing more than pure hard work. He might not have had a job prior to becoming a Conservative candidate, but he very rarely bites, and his food allowance will be negligible. He will fight for disability rights, which are very close to his heart, but he has no truck with the equality agenda of Harriet Harperson, who seeks to discriminate against white gerbils for no other reason than a fanatical feminist agenda. That, and he's unlikely to ever get his end away, which considering the past of the Tory party is also another evident bonus. He's also unlikely to live long enough to serve a full parliament, so if anyone subsequently regrets voting for a gerbil, it won't be too long before they'll be able to elect in an actual Conservative, although probably one with even less intellect.

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5/25/2009 07:49:00 PM | | | links to this post

Monday, March 23, 2009 

The world mourns.

MOST WORTHLESS WOMAN TO HAVE EVER LIVED DIES
THE WORLD PAYS TRIBUTE - OBAMA BROADCASTS TO AMERICA
GORDON BROWN DECLARES WEEK OF MOURNING - MOST WORTHLESS WOMAN TO LIE IN STATE
ALL THE NEWS, PICS AND HYSTERICAL HYPOCRISY PAGES 1-93 PLUS 94 PAGE MEMORIAL PULLOUT WITH FREE MOST WORTHLESS WOMAN CERAMIC FIGURE (JUST PAY £199 POSTAGE AND PACKING)

PAGE 94 - OTHER NEWS
SLOW START TO WORLD WAR 3
MILLIONS DEAD IN MIDDLE EAST
OVER BY CHRISTMAS SAYS JOHN HUTTON - NO NEED TO PANIC

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3/23/2009 10:58:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, December 04, 2008 

Gregg's diagram.

Via Bleeding Heart Show, have a fantastic explanatory diagram from Paul Gregg's welfare report, which he's rather more accurately rechristened "scrounger processing":

Don't know about you, but this has truly enlightened me to the merits of the government's intent to extend lie detector tests. We can hook Professor Gregg up to one and see if even he can tell us what the gibbering fuck it's supposed to represent and/or mean.

Then again, Gregg is an appropriate name for someone tasked with selling the benefits of, err, benefit reform, considering that most of those re-entering the workplace at the moment have a choice of not working and working at one of the ubiquitous sandwich shops from hell.

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12/04/2008 11:57:00 PM | | | links to this post

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 

Reinstate the Gaunty one!

This blog doesn't exactly hold a brief for Jon Gaunt, as past mentions testify. His sacking from Talksport however for calling the Redbridge councillor Michael Stark a Nazi for banning smokers from fostering children is clearly an overreaction. Gaunt merely intended to call him a "health Nazi", and who could disagree that banning smokers from being able to care for children smacks of authoritarianism?

We just can't have people being sacked for speaking their minds. After all, if Gaunt can't call a health Nazi a health Nazi soon the rest of us won't be able to call Gaunt a fat, bumptious, oleaginous, simple twat. And I personally cannot imagine the horror of living in a world where that isn't possible.

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11/18/2008 11:58:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, November 06, 2008 

Offended about offence.

Talking as we were of politicians without a clue what they're going on about, here's Keith Vaz, moral crusader against video games on his latest high horse:

AN MP wants a sick computer game — where players carry out suicide bombings — hauled off the internet.

Labour’s Keith Vaz, who chairs the Home Affairs Select Committee, said Kaboom: The Suicide Bombing Game “devalues human life” and contains an “unnecessary” level of violence.

Quite so; what sort of video game which has suicide bombing as its theme should contain violence at all?

Kaboom: The Suicide Bombing Game is so popular that searching for Kaboom on Google doesn't bring it up on the first page (search for Obsolete and this pathetic blog even manages to turn up 4th). It does however now bring up the Daily Mail's story on Vaz's rage as the 8th result. Having then thusly succeeded in bringing Kaboom to a wider audience, it's only correct that we further extend its popularity by linking to it.

Kaboom is then a really rather poor, even by the standards of Flash, game in which the aim is to kill as many passers-by as possible. Perhaps I'm just sick in the head, but it's faintly amusing and fun for about five minutes to try and get the highest "score" you can, although killing more than six people with your Kim Jong Il lookalike cartoon bomber seems to be fairly difficult. Strangely, rather than distributing the detritus of the bomber over a large distance, the only gore which emerges when you detonate yourself is that of the victims, who always respectively lose their head, one of their legs and what looks vaguely like a badly drawn heart. It may scare and repulse very small children, but even your average 8-year-old is not going to be scarred for life by coming across this during an unsupervised web jaunt. It's completely harmless, pretty unlikely to be used by potential terrorists for training purposes, unless they too, instead of heading off to meet their 72 virgins in paradise can miraculously reform and explode over and over again, and possibly only likely to offend those who have nothing better to do than get offended about stupid things on the internet.

You have to wonder if Vaz has even actually bothered to play the game, which unlike playing the likes of Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt, which he's usually campaigning against, costs nothing to do. It instead seems likely he himself is just picking up on a bandwagon started by the UK Bali Bombings Victims Group, which four years after the game was first created noted its existence and demanded it be removed from the internet. Vaz though has put down an early day motion, which is parliament's ultimate form of narcissism: utterly pointless, but it makes you look like you actually do something (charges of hypocrisy can be made in the comments). Printing these out costs in the region of £627,000 a year, and it's little wonder when the likes of Ann Cryer, the most prolific signer of lost and ridiculous causes has currently during this session, which ends shortly, put her signature to a staggering 1,863, including Vaz's one on Kaboom. Other notable ones she's signed include Blackpool Tower and Strictly Come Dancing, the Rugby League World Cup, which you'll be pleased to learn the House welcomes, Salvia Divinorum (Drug! People daring to enjoy themselves on said drug! Ban it!), Scout Membership Increases and Bethlehem and Banksy.

Maybe it's just the current mood, but pronouncing yourself offended about something that doesn't affect your life in the slightest possible way seems to have suddenly came back en vogue, having previously festered under the other outrage, which is when political correctness goes mad. The relationship between them can be incredibly slight: 5cc points out that Donal Blaney, who wanted Ross and Brand to be sacked over their calls to Andrew Sachs, thought that the "storm" about Jeremy Clarkson's remarks about lorry drivers and their propensity to kill prostitutes was all about leftists who had waited years to get him, except that err, the Daily Mail, not usually the natural home of "leftists and ecofascists" was the main one kicking up a fuss. The Sun also didn't see why anyone should be offended; it was just a joke after all, and that they employ Clarkson is neither here nor there. The Sun isn't so dismissve, equally strangely, about online jokes involving dead babies. That they are on Facebook, which directly competes with the News Corporation owned MySpace is also completely irrelevant.

It would be too much to expect our politicians to approach every subject rationally, consider whether it genuinely affects anyone other than those instantly likely to be offended because of misfortune which has sadly befallen them, and then decide whether action is necessary, mainly because they have to respond to public anxiety, and if public anxiety, or rather, what masquerades as public anxiety i.e. the front pages of the nation's tabloids is currently decreeing that Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross should be lynched in public, they have a direct duty to agree with that public anxiety. That is after all how the political system works. You'd just like on occasion to come across just one of them that does the exact opposite of following the crowd. I would vote for the first politician that comes out, for example, and tells Rupert Murdoch to go fuck himself. Until then, we'll just have to make do with Keith Vaz.

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11/06/2008 11:14:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, September 04, 2008 

Panic on the streets of London.

There was consternation today after a gang brawl involving spades, screwdrivers, bars and sticks was captured by a innocent paparazzo on his way to attempt to get a up-skirt shot of Julie Christie.

The terrifying scene, with kitchen utensils and DIY logistical tools being used for purposes far beyond their intended design has been seen as yet another vignette showcasing Britain's inexorable global decline.

Said one onlooker: "What sort of example does this set to the rest of the world? Once again we've come out bottom of everything, this time in the gang fight stakes. Where was the choreography of the great gangland battles which Los Angeles, Tokyo and Sicily have provided us with? Where were the knives and guns which the newspapers inform us every youth now has easy access to? The best we can manage is a pointed stick, a screwdriver and a Wellington boot. It's no wonder no one goes out at night any more; they're terrified of being attacked by youths armed with bits of 2 by 4 and buckets and spades from the seaside, rather than the Glocks, machetes and Uzis of our foreign cousins."

What do you think? Do you think this shows that Britain has lost its place in the great urban battles league? Do you think that I should stop attempting these feeble attempts at satire? Do you think the Daily Mail would have given a shit if this hadn't happened outside Julie Christie's house? Don't leave any messages, as I'm liable to censor them all.

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9/04/2008 11:17:00 PM | | | links to this post

Tuesday, September 02, 2008 

Must have been those Kegel exercises.

Not to dwell much longer on the whole Sarah Palin fandango, but this is quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen involving a politician for a while, which you'll have to click to read I'd imagine:




Connected somewhat, it looks like the rumours suggesting that Palin's daughter might have been the real mother of Trig may well have been started by those well-known political experts over on the Something Awful forums. Good to see that SA hasn't completely given up the mantle of trolling and general meme creating to 4chan, I suppose, at least.

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9/02/2008 11:58:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, August 08, 2008 

16 years from now... (warning: in very, very bad taste)

I HAD SEX WITH MADELEINE MCCANN, SAYS HOLIDAYMAKER

By Lori Campbell

The Daily Zoo can exclusively reveal the latest sighting of Madeleine McCann, the missing 4-year-old British girl who vanished 6,667 days ago. Rodney Shabby, an 19-year-old holidaymaker from Cleethorpes claims to have had sex with her while visiting Praia da Luz in Portugal.

"I met her in a bar near to the hotel where the McCanns originally stayed. I never asked what her name was, but she had long blonde hair, a necklace with "Maddie" on it, and she definitely had that funny thing in her eye, although that might just have been a monocle. I was pretty pissed though, and she left after I threw up all over her tits."

The Daily Zoo, in a magnanimous gesture in no way associated with wanting to sell more daily news discs and make money out of the McCanns' unending misery, paid for Mr Shabby to travel to meet the McCanns and provide a photo fit of the woman he claims to have had sex with.

Clarence Mitchell, the McCann's spokesman, talking to us from Broadmoor, was enthusiastic about the Daily Zoo's discovery. "It certainly raises possibilities. Madeleine, if still alive, would be 21 now and doubtless engaging in a typically vigorous casual sex life. This is just another example of how the Portuguese police have failed us for the last 16 years."

Shabby himself is glowing in his new found fame. "It's not every day you can say that you've boned a missing 4-year-old girl, is it?" Asked whether the pre-schooler was good in bed, Shabby was effusive. "I would say so. I mean, I don't even know how I got it up, but she didn't complain or anything, not until I covered her chest in Sambuca, half-digested chips and orange bits, anyway."

"I just hope my sighting brings some kind of relief to the McCanns. What could be better than to know that your daughter's still alive, that she's still hot, and that she's spending her time doing what every young British person on holiday does best?"

The Daily Zoo, using Shabby's photo fit, has re-imagined what a naked 21-year-old Madeleine McCann with vomit all over her funbags might look like. Press select on your remote now to see the 3d representation.

(Loosely based on today's asinine silly season exploitation of both the McCanns and Anna Stam in the Mirror.)

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Saturday, May 17, 2008 

Personally, I'm a misanthropist.

Cherie Blair - My husband and me are socialists.

In other news:
Pope announces that despite appearances to the contrary, he is in fact a Protestant.
Bear admits in tell-all biography that he uses public conveniences to conduct his ablutions.

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5/17/2008 08:59:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, April 18, 2008 

Imagine... imagine... imagine a story....

It's difficult to even begin to imagine what was going through the mind of Angela Smith MP yesterday. Perhaps she was laying there in bed on Wednesday night, tossing and turning, thinking about the meetings she's had with her constituents, rereading the letters in her head from those who've previously loyally voted Labour that were not angry, but just bitterly disappointed with how they'd been betrayed by a supposedly socially democratic government over the removal of the 10p top rate of tax, feeling disillusioned with how her own party was taking from the lowest paid and giving to middle earners just as the economic weather has turned. Resigning would have been extreme, and damaged the government as a whole, but it would have been highly principled and could, just could force a change in the policy, unlikely, but vaguely possible. Most of her spineless colleagues would have thought this over, finally fell to sleep and then would have dismissed it in the morning, like most do those bizarre, foolish ideas that tend to plague you in the middle of the night and then instantly regret even thinking up. But no, she would be strong, and go through with it!

It's even more difficult to begin to imagine what was going through her mind when she suddenly decided that she wasn't then going to resign after all. It's easy to see government as an extended family, Smith as the disobedient child, having told Cooper, her furious, snarling, teeth-gnawing mother, the corners of her mouth already flecked with spit, that she was going to quit. "You better well phone up your father Gordon and tell him then!"

And so she did. Quite what Gordon, away in Washington on important business, told her that reassured is even more difficult to imagine. It certainly wasn't the news that they weren't going to go through with the tax rate change after all. The terse, through gritted teeth statement, so obviously spin doctor scripted, saying that Gordon had convinced her that the government's anti-poverty agenda remains unchanged even while 5.2 million will be losing out, just made an embarrassing situation even more mortifying. Perhaps the real reason she rowed back was because Gordon had threatened to have her sent to Siberia. It's more a convincing explanation than Brown winning her over with the sheer power of his argument. From standing up to her parents to making even Clare Short look dignified all within 24 hours, not even Armando Iannucci could have imagined it.

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4/18/2008 10:52:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, April 11, 2008 

Does my bum look big in this?

Yup, this really is one of the images of Fowler on her website.

Doctors hailed a medical breakthrough today after the first successful connection of the rectum to the throat and the throat to the rectum. The unusual surgery was helmed by Professor Scheissmund and performed on 29-year-old Ruth Fowler, a former stripper, globe-trotter and soon to be published author.

While Fowler herself is still recovering from the operation, Prof. Scheissmund gave the background on why Miss Fowler had wanted the surgery. "She felt that in line with her recent writing, castigating holier-than-thou bourgeois liberals while enjoying all the comforts of a bourgeois liberal and then fat people for being fat, the next logical step was to be able to perform in real life what she can so successfully achieve in prose. While it was not an everyday cosmetic request, we felt that we could pull it off and Ruth herself has already congratulated us on our work by thanking us out of her colon and then vomiting effluent into a bucket."

Fowler already has her next Comment is Free piece lined up, entitled "Talking out of your arse is more difficult than it looks."

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4/11/2008 08:05:00 PM | | | links to this post

Wednesday, April 09, 2008 

Ruth Fowler cries for help.

Despite 29 years of attempting to find herself, Ruth Fowler is still in a desperate situation. The toll of travelling the globe has not been kind, and she finds herself increasingly facing up to life in the company of stereotypical, cliched, bourgeois liberals, who when not protesting for vegetable rights and peace are extolling the virtues of living on air for a year, ensuring that their farts are carbon neutral, and generally acting like men of straw.

You can help Ruth in her dire hour of need.

Just a pound a month will add to her ability to meet thrusting go-getting right-wingers in either New York or London, whichever she's currently in.

£10 a month will mean she can send the money directly on to an actual charity, therefore negating her need to whine about her friends that are doing something for charity while she doesn't feel the need to.

£140,000 a year will buy her a column in the Daily Mail, where they tend to like articles which are nonsensical and bash imaginary liberals that don't exist anywhere outside Metropolitan areas that the media are obsessed with.

Please give generously.

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4/09/2008 08:26:00 PM | | | links to this post

Saturday, February 23, 2008 

Bizarro tabloid world.

There were calls last night for the abolition of calling for the abolition of the death penalty to be overturned after the latest horrific murder case to shock Britain reached its conclusion. As the killer of Sylvia Miller was sentenced to life imprisonment, her mother Edith Miller spoke out to reporters.

"Actually, I feel that justice has been done. It's unlikely that my daughter's killer will ever be released, and although I can never forgive or forget the immense pain he's caused to our family by taking away our beautiful daughter, I also don't see what putting him to death will achieve. I believe in justice, not vengeance, and I also don't believe that even if we had the death penalty it would have made him think twice before doing what he did."

In another surprise development, the police said that they were actually completely satisfied with the way the DNA database was currently working, and that they saw neither the need to extend it to encompass the entirety of Britain's population or to take samples from children as soon as they're pulled out of the womb. "Doing so would surely be one of the first steps towards a true police state, where you're presumed guilty until proved innocent," said PC Politically Correct, who then went off to inspect his recently delivered politically correct brigade new squad car. "Instead of being equipped with a loud, noisy siren, this new vehicle is instead fitted with an ice cream van's music player, which is intermittently interrupted with the word "police" whispered lightly so as not to disturb anyone," said the officer (cont. page 94)

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2/23/2008 08:30:00 PM | | | links to this post

Sunday, December 23, 2007 

Bear shits in woods.

In a shock move, Pope Benedict has renounced his Catholic faith and will be stepping down as God's messenger on Earth with immediate effect. Questioned why just before Christmas he was abandoning Jehovah, Joseph Ratzinger was brusque:

"It's that Tony Blair. I might have been the figurehead of a church which through its policies on abortion and contraception condemns many of the world's poor to further unnecessary misery, but to share the same faith as a war criminal responsible in part for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis was just too much of a burden to bear."

Obsolete did attempt to contact Mr Blair for comment, but was met only with a reply from his spin doctor, the archangel Gabriel, who said:

"We don't do war."

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12/23/2007 12:29:00 AM | | | links to this post

Friday, October 26, 2007 

Lookalike.

Could the "man" the McCanns believe abducted Madeleine have been discovered so soon?



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10/26/2007 07:32:00 PM | | | links to this post

Thursday, October 11, 2007 

The paintball jihad.

And so we come, inevitably, to the latest trial of alleged wannabe jihadist tough guys. If you've followed the previous trials of those few that think blowing themselves up will lead to their instant entrance to paradise, where their every want and need will be attended to by 72 of the highest class of virgins, none of your spinsters who never met the right man kind, you'll have noticed that they often have ideas high above their station, love to denounce the perfidious kuffar and when stripped down to the very basis of their being by the legal system, are revealed as arrogant, ignorant and laughably shallow men.

This lot, if the evidence put to the court over the last couple of days is any indicator, are perhaps the most pathetic so far. Courtesy of the 2006 Terrorism Act, Atilla "most certainly not the Hun" Ahmet and Mohammad Hamid amongst others are accused of receiving/giving "terrorist training". What was one of their favourite methods of inculcating in their pupils the way of jihad? Paintballing.

Yes, that favourite pursuit of office workers on team building exercises and the "sport" of choice for those who never grew out of shooting people with fake guns was being used by these sinister gentlemen in case they ever actually obtained a weapon that didn't just fire a painful round of emulsion. Who knows, maybe they even split themselves off into groups of "kuffars" and "jihadi lions" or perhaps "crusaders" versus the "mujahideen" and fought for hours until the kuffars called in an air strike that as well as killing the jihadi lions blew apart the group from the local secondary school who had been diving in and out of the undergrowth around them. Why go to Iraq where you might conceivably get hurt fighting for what you believe in when you can shoot colourful bullets at your bros near that home of Islamic insurrection, Sevenoaks?

Paintballing was only part of their sinister doctrine of preparing for holy war, however. The court heard that while using a farmer's field, the group did the following:

"They were seen to practise the tactics needed to defend themselves against an armed ambush. They were seen to adopt positions from which they fired imaginary weapons and pretended to remove the pin from grenades before throwing them. They were seen to perform leopard crawling, very low on the ground ..."

These guys had nothing on Marcel Marceau. Either that, or one had lost a contact lens and the police misinterpreted the group unselfishly helping their short-sighted member to find it. Still, you'll never know when you might have to conduct a battle entirely in mime. Put it on a management training course and they'd call it character building and exercising versatility through improvisation.

Despite such rigorous preparations for the upcoming jihad, Hamid wasn't that certain of their prowess of being able to kill the dirty apostates:

"We are supposed to take on two kuffars [non-believers]. One Muslim is supposed to take on two kuffars. Lucky if we could take on one kuffar."

Faced with the average airport worker, we can place bets on these particular self-proclaimed warriors getting their holy war straight back in the face. At times the trial has slipped even further into absurdity:

Mr Farrell also referred to a song that police secretly recorded Ahmet singing during a weekend visit to an Islamic centre in East Sussex in 2006.

Mr Farrell read out the lyrics: "Hey Mr Taliban, come kill the dirty kuffars; Hey Mr Taliban, boom, boom, boom; Come bomb England, before the daylight come; Inshallah [God willing], it shall be done."


Even though many strict Muslims consider music that contains instruments to be haram, here's one potential jihadi taking on the Banana Boat Song and performing his own personal nasheed parody of it. Never let it be said that these guys don't know how to have a good time; they're just exploding (surely bursting? Ed.) with jokes and good humour about murdering the innocent citizens of this country. What else would you expect from an associate of someone who told police that his name was Osama bin London?

These, remember, are the sort of people we're supposed to afraid of. The ones who pose such an immediate and dire threat to the life of this nation that for a while we were using emergency legislation to lock up "terrorist suspects" indefinitely without charge, and who are now involved in such "complex"and "ambitious" conspiracies that we require longer than 28 days in order for the police to build a case against them. Hospitals can kill more people than the 7/7 bombers managed through poor hygiene and infections, but we still worry and agonise over whether our laws need tightening still further against this shadowy menace of hatred and anger. Men like these aren't soldiers, lions, martyrs or whatever they like to call themselves: they're a criminal annoyance that ought to be laughed at and humiliated rather than feared. If these are the guys making the sky dark, then I'd hate to see what'll happen when those who did have the balls, if you can call them that, to go and fight in Iraq or wherever eventually return. End of western civilisation? They can't even throw a pretend grenade properly.

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10/11/2007 11:59:00 PM | | | links to this post

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 

What you won't be reading in the Sun tomorrow.

"Calm down dears, I'm only a flaming hypocrite."

29,000 EVIL PAEDO-PERVS have been deleted from the social networking site MurdochSpace, after the site was trawled JUST TWO MONTHS after a similar purge led to the removal of 7,000 profiles of other child sex vermin.

Disgracefully, MurdochSpace REFUSED to comment on the huge number of shrub rocketeers using the website, or to discuss whether more innocents had been contacted through the site by the scourge of modern life. In a statement, its so-called security officer, Heinrich Wigwam, said: "We're pleased that we've been able to remove the profiles of so many registered perverts, it's just a shame that we're not able to do the same to them in real life. They ought to be strung up from the nearest lamppost, or alternatively, made to watch the Fox News Channel. We now hope that the other pitiful social networking sites, such as Fleshbook and Grebo follow our example and provide a safe haven for such vile degenerates, so that the Sun can run huge exposes on how your kids are only safe on MurdochSpace."

Asked for her views on the matter, Rebekah Wade was sanguine. "It's a shame we can't run a huge scaremongering article on how social networking sites are full of predatory nonces slavering at the bit to molest our precious youngsters, but at least we can report on how that evil thespian Chris Langham had such disgusting material that it made a juror cry. Let's just hope he didn't obtain it from MurdochSpace." When questioned on what she thought about Rupert Murdoch in effect making it easier for child sex fiends to stalk their prey by not putting up appropriate barriers on his hugely profitable network, the Sun editor, described by Courteney Cox as powerful, strong and with a dress sense to rival Boy George, was unequivocal. "The man is clearly no longer up to his job. As an established friend of paedophiles everywhere, having made children less safe by continuing to demand a Sarah's law that will drive them further underground, I believe I have the expertise to make MurdochSpace a safer place. My plan is to name and shame every one of them, and let God sort them out when the vigilante hordes descend on their doorsteps to tear them limb from limb. What could possibly go wrong?".

Wendi Deng is gorgeous.

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7/25/2007 06:53:00 PM | | | links to this post

Monday, June 18, 2007 

How do they make the effigies so quickly?


Fat, racist cunt dies
  • Pakistan announces official day of mourning
  • Muslim Council of Britain pays tribute to legendary equal opportunity xenophobe

Bernard Manning, known universally for his carefully considered, subtle japery has died aged 76 stone.

Manning shot to fame in the 70s on the back of his premier performances for the ITV show the Comedians, reducing audiences to tears with his spirited repertoire, especially his "those darkies, eh?" gags, which won him a special place in the heart of the immigrant communities, who have never stopped exploding with laughter since.

On hearing of the sad news, the Pakistani parliament immediately adjourned the session and called for a motion on declaring an official day of mourning, which was passed unanimously. The Pakistan religious affairs minister, Mohammed Ijaz ul-Haq, was one of the first to eulogise about Manning's demise:

He may have been politically incorrect, but at least he didn't BLASPHEME like that bastard Rushdie. I call for any suicide bombers who might have thought of targeting Manning's funeral to instead hold their laughter.

The Muslim Council of Britain also issued its condolences, with Mohammad Abdul Bari confessing to how he was first smitten with the Manning bug:

It all started so innocently, with a few jokes about the mother-in-law and that charming tale about the Aristocrats. Then he launched into his fusillade about the blacks and Jews, and I just couldn't help it, I wet myself. His death is a final contemptuous parting gift from Tony Blair to the Muslim world, which he'll most likely blame on terrorists instead of his own actions in invading the Embassy club. I hope Rushdie is pleased with himself.



Other tributes are starting to flood in, much like the blacks, with Wikipedia identifying Manning as one of the top-100 knob-jockeys of all time.

Sir Salman Rushdie is burning.

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6/18/2007 05:56:00 PM | | | links to this post

Friday, June 08, 2007 

More!, cry the salivating hordes.

Big Brother bosses were today forced to defend the show yet again after thousands of new complaints were made to Ofcom about the lack of racism in the last 24 hours.

"It's disgraceful," one caller said. "Millions of people across the country watch Big Brother. What kind of example is it setting to the young when minorities on the show aren't being abused based on the colour of their skin? This is an incredibly slippery slope. What's next? The Express claiming that Princess Diana died in a car accident and not as a result of a conspiracy between MI5 and the Duke of Edinburgh? It's political correctness gone mad."

Another was equally angry. "How is it possible that in a house filled with moronic, ignorant, squabbling idiots there hasn't been a single unfinished limerick or someone trying to defend their use of an incredibly offensive racial epithet by saying they have black friends? Big Brother needs to sort this mess out once and for all."

A spokesman for Channel 4 was unrepentant however. "We know that people expect racism, but it's not something that's going to happen everyday. Viewers will just have to make do with the usual amount of gratuitous swearing, flesh-bearing and narcissistic aggrandisment they've come to expect from Britain's most famous house."

Jade Goody was unavailable for comment.

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6/08/2007 07:40:00 PM | | | links to this post

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