16 years from now... (warning: in very, very bad taste)
By Lori Campbell
The Daily Zoo can exclusively reveal the latest sighting of Madeleine McCann, the missing 4-year-old British girl who vanished 6,667 days ago. Rodney Shabby, an 19-year-old holidaymaker from Cleethorpes claims to have had sex with her while visiting Praia da Luz in Portugal.
"I met her in a bar near to the hotel where the McCanns originally stayed. I never asked what her name was, but she had long blonde hair, a necklace with "Maddie" on it, and she definitely had that funny thing in her eye, although that might just have been a monocle. I was pretty pissed though, and she left after I threw up all over her tits."
The Daily Zoo, in a magnanimous gesture in no way associated with wanting to sell more daily news discs and make money out of the McCanns' unending misery, paid for Mr Shabby to travel to meet the McCanns and provide a photo fit of the woman he claims to have had sex with.
Clarence Mitchell, the McCann's spokesman, talking to us from Broadmoor, was enthusiastic about the Daily Zoo's discovery. "It certainly raises possibilities. Madeleine, if still alive, would be 21 now and doubtless engaging in a typically vigorous casual sex life. This is just another example of how the Portuguese police have failed us for the last 16 years."
Shabby himself is glowing in his new found fame. "It's not every day you can say that you've boned a missing 4-year-old girl, is it?" Asked whether the pre-schooler was good in bed, Shabby was effusive. "I would say so. I mean, I don't even know how I got it up, but she didn't complain or anything, not until I covered her chest in Sambuca, half-digested chips and orange bits, anyway."
"I just hope my sighting brings some kind of relief to the McCanns. What could be better than to know that your daughter's still alive, that she's still hot, and that she's spending her time doing what every young British person on holiday does best?"
The Daily Zoo, using Shabby's photo fit, has re-imagined what a naked 21-year-old Madeleine McCann with vomit all over her funbags might look like. Press select on your remote now to see the 3d representation.
(Loosely based on today's asinine silly season exploitation of both the McCanns and Anna Stam in the Mirror.)