Tuesday, March 18, 2008 

Mucking around.

This blog today received the highest page loads I can remember for quite a while. Not because I've recently written anything especially worthy or exceptional, but rather because for some unfathomable reason I'm the top result when you search Google for "Mucca".

Anyone who blogs, or blogs politically is likely to find such facts unpalatable or depressing. On occasion you pour your heart into something, and then the thing that time after time that gets the hits isn't an extended essay on say Iraq or the hot topic of the hour, but instead for that slightly jokey piece you wrote on crucifix dildos. There is also some solace on occasion: whenever Maxine Carr comes up, I often find that a post I wrote on how she was just as much a victim of Ian Huntley as anyone else gets passed around on forums by those also responding to the more bile-filled rants against her.

That almost rings true in the same way for Heather Mills. The posts getting the hits are ones where I directly took on the Sun's remarkable hypocrisy in crowing about a "dirty book" they'd discovered which featured Mills during her modelling days, a softcore "love-guide" with Mills alongside some bloke with a limp dick and lashings of whipped cream. This would of course be the same Sun newspaper which features photographs only slightly less explicit every day on its third page; that runs a page 3 idol competition encouraging women across their country to get their breasts out for the leering lads to go boggle-eyed at, with a grand prize of a massive £5,000; which encourages women whose ages can't be verified on its social-networking site to similarly get them out; and that might well itself have featured Mills' topless shots at some point, or at least been offered them. It's also since published other full-frontal shots of Mills, purely of course for educational purposes (like that guide?) which she took for top-shelf magazines in the early 90s, at least with her nether regions suitably censored, which the newspapers have continued to claim are "hardcore", despite them certainly not involving unsimulated sex.

The up-shot of the above was that Mills has since been nicknamed Mucca, a play on McCartney's tabloid nickname, which doubtless no one else has ever referred to him as, much like they call Madonna "Madge". Mills of course most likely no longer profits from her modelling work, while the Sun and the News and the Screws continue to put millions back into Murdoch's coffers via their obsession with sex. After all, it's want the readers want.

Naturally then the media is having a field day with the full details of the judgement by Mr Justice Bennett having been released despite Mills' objections. It's quite clear why - the judge criticised Mills for being "inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid," while McCartney was mostly praised for putting up with the entire proceedings with a weary stoicism. The judge didn't put all the blame in Mills' court however, as he also accepted, and was in some places more than fair to the arguments she made. For instance:

Mr Justice Bennett said Mills was a “strong-willed and determined personality” who had shown great fortitude in overcoming her disability.

“She has conducted her own case before me with a steely, yet courteous, determination.”

"I accept that since April 2006 the wife has had a bad press. She is entitled to feel that she has been ridiculed even vilified. To some extent she is her own worst enemy. She has an explosive and volatile character."

Which is quite true. Mills has been her own worst enemy, and her overly dramatic appearances on GMTV and This Morning last November, claiming she had a worst press than a murderer or a paedophile were over the top, but as even the judge concedes, only slightly. Truth is that the Sun especially has run little less than a hate campaign against her, with 101 references to Heather Mills as "Mucca" in 2007 alone. During her appearances on Dancing with the Stars, the US version of Strictly Come Dancing, it repeatedly mocked her performances and seemed assured that she'd be voted off early, only to last six weeks, at which point the showbiz pages bidded her good riddance, something they had already done more than once. Similarly, the Sun today runs a mocked-up cheque from McCartney with the legend "Pay gold-digging, ex hardcore porn, one-legged, self-centred fantasist", which is clearly just a bit of fun rather than nasty or vindictive. Jane Moore than attacks Mills for some unfathomable reason as letting "women as a whole down", presumably because us blokes are too thick to tell one from the other and so will obviously assume that all of them are the same, while the Sun leader itself compared Mills to the other Sun hate-figure of the moment, Paul Burrell.

Who then could not anticipate comments such as the below in the aftermath?

You are so completely right - this witch - oops, I meant quasi-humanoid female, is an embarrasment to her gender, if not the human species. How sad for Paul, but much more, it makes a statement that men have to on their gaurd ever more for the sleazy feme fatales who are waiting for them out there. How pathetic - Heather, yes you have made a name for yourself allright, but not one you will appreciate.

Why this person felt the reason to drop it on my blog and not on a celebrity forum is beyond me, but there you are. You could easily write a case study on how Mills went from being a celebrated charity worker who wooed the forlorn, lonely ex-Beatle and made him happy again to how she turned into the biggest bitch and worst female the world has ever seen, all as part of the evidence for how the media conducts itself and hunts as a pack, but you'd still get the exact some comments, unique only in their righteousness and based entirely on those self-same reports, making it a complete waste of time. The one thing to be glad about is that the 2-year-long hate was conducted towards someone who at least partly had it coming, and not against the likes of Colin Stagg or a politician daring to upset the status quo. The campaign against Mills has just been the model for those still to come.

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Friday, March 16, 2007 

Scum-watch: Lady Mucca returns.

I loathe celebrities. I detest the way the countless magazines devoted to them stare out at me when I walk in the newsagent. I wonder how those who work on them justify their continuing existence when they head into the office every morning. They probably went to university with the intention of becoming a investigative journalist, exposing corruption, lying politicians and helping in some way to make the world a better place. Their whole life has been one long shallow lie, but in order to pay off the rent and maintain their cocaine habit at the weekend they have to keep pumping out the insipid, turgid, witless prose about whichever starlet is currently too thin/fat, who's the hunkiest male star, and who's been captured daring to walk outside their house by the salivating one-handed public, who forward their blurry mobile phone photographs in the hope that their handiwork will appear in a magazine destined to be read only by pond life with the attention span of an monkey addicted to crack and by those unfortunate people who've forgot to bring something to read to the doctor or dentist's surgery.

You'd probably then think that I don't much care for Heather Mills, or give two shits what she thinks about anything. And you'd been right. She does however have a point about media harassment. The Sun, as you might guess, doesn't think she does:

SPARE us the crocodile tears, Heather.

Lady Mucca pops up on every TV and radio station she can find.

Only to moan she’s the victim of media harassment.

Police chiefs are so fed up with her they say she’s crying wolf.

They complain she can’t stop reaching for the panic button.

Excuse us while we reach for the off-switch.

For those of you not in the know about how Mills' has come to be known as "Lady Mucca", this new epithet came about when the Sun bought an ancient porn book/sex guide which featured Mills and some bloke in a number of risque positions, along with whipped cream, etc.

As you might well know, this derogatory nickname, coming from the Sun newspaper, which prints a topless young lady on its third page every day, runs the page 3 idol competition in which women across the country are encouraged to get their breasts out for the grand prize of £5,000, and which now operates MySun, the most barrel-scraping social-networking site on the face of the planet, which is today urging women to get them out to win a Sun photoshoot for Easter, is just slightly hypocritical.

As the Sun reaches for the off switch, it seems unlikely that Wade herself will be telling her hacks to stop writing about her. After all, since exposing Mills last June, the term Lady Mucca has appeared in the Sun at least 75 times. Among these amazing stories, which clearly prove Mills isn't being harassed, are such vitally important journalism as:

LADY Mucca spotted buying hi-fi from London's Portobello SECOND-HAND market

LADY Mucca slopes off on cheapie skiing holiday despite being offered £30m payout

A MUM says Heather Mills booted her in the bottom with her false leg in a coffee shop

HEATHER Mills shared intimate moments with her hunky personal trainer at station

HEATHER Mills booted out of supermarket — because she was once a teenage shoplifter

43% Biggest bitch? Nutta or Mucca
VOTE on our e-poll for either Lady Mucca Heather Mills or Nasty Naomi Campbell

Clearly, Mills is just a crybaby gold digger.

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