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Wednesday, July 18, 2007 

Smiling, happy Mail.

We all know how much the average takfirist, bedroom jihadi is meant to hate our society, culture and modern lifestyle. Alienated, repulsed and revolted by the hedonism which they see everywhere, but at the same time usually conflicted by also being envious and jealous of those who participate in it, their bile is confined to the insides of their heads, or to sympathetic web forums.

The Daily Mail, on the other hand, shares its opinions on Britain in 2007 by distributing them daily to the nation. It's almost universally a similar picture: the feckless working classes, chastised as chavs, or single mothers with the "council house facelift", the politically correct Guardianistas who through their offensive and misguided beliefs are destroying society from within, the ubiquitous foreigners, whether they're from Eastern Europe or Asia, who shouldn't be here, and after decades of celebrating wealth creation for its own sake as long as it happens to the decent, hard-working middle classes, it now finds itself in a square battle with the super-rich, who don't deserve their ill-gotten gains while the good burghers of conservative Middle England do.

In fact, while Daily Mail hacks/readers are not likely to come to the conclusion that the only way to sort out our vile, broken society is through the cleansing provided by hydrogen peroxide mixed with chappati flour, the connections between the two are not far removed from each other. Both want a return to a non-existent, imagined golden age, whether it's the caliphate and the revivalism of "pure" Islamic rule, or a 50s style life where everyone knows one another, everyone's white and you could leave your door unlocked (because there was nothing worth stealing).

Is there a point to all these rather contentious comparisons, you might be asking. Well, via Tim, we discover that a couple of days ago the Mail featured a suitably updated set of "Happy Families" cards, or as they're clearly meant to be, unhappy families, united only in either their greed or hypocrisy. Created by a cretin attempting to be humourous in order to fill some room not taken up by how house prices are going up/down, they're a (un)happy summation of everything that gets the Mail's blood boiling about modern living. Hence we have the lesbian couple, one a butch campaigner, obviously, in a civil partnership who have two clearly confused children, the "Albanskis", providing menial work or involved in organised crime and prostitution, the fat cats, and naturally, the chavs, an updated take on Wayne and Waynetta Slob.

I can't really beat Peter's comment on Tim's original post for what they missed out, so let's have that first:

Mr Mailreader - Afraid that modern life will affect the value of his house
Mrs Mailreader - Detests immigrants but employs a cheap Eastern-European cleaner
Master Mailreader - Set for a lifetime of mid-management, seeks solace in internet porn
Miss Mailreader - Destined for unhappiness as she seeks her parents approval

Much like our friendly bedroom jihadi, the Mail is one big walking, conflicted, greedy, hypocritical, contradictory mess. It just wishes that you didn't know that. Why else would the Mail be the newspaper that most loathes celebrity culture and the pleasures experienced by those within it, yet also the one that spends the most on paparazzi photographs? Here then, is the Mail's own writers reduced to Happy Families characters:

Mr Dacre - Hates the rich, yet earns over a million a year. Believes deeply in family values and loathes the coarsening vulgarity of modern life, yet is so prolific in his use of foul language that his staff ask each other whether they've been "double-cunted" yet, when Dacre uses the most offensive current swear word twice in one sentence. Attacks the broadsheets in such a breathtakingly hypocritical way that someone ought to kidnap him and get "SOPHIST" tattooed on his forehead.

Ms Platell - Gourgeous pouting ex-spin doctor who spends most of her time criticising David Cameron for being err, reliant on PR. Pretends to be a feminist while working on by far the most misogynistic newspaper in the country, more than happy to join in the attacks as long as she's getting paid for it. So craven that after criticising genuine tax-dodging bastards like Philip Green that in the next column she finds herself apologising for daring to impugn on the good name of such fine men.

Ms Philips - A conspiracy theorist that's acceptable to Middle England. Has had a major hand in one of the worst tabloid scandals of all time - the demonising of the MMR vaccine. Believes that Dr David Kelly did not commit suicide. Believes that Iraq's weapons of mass destruction were transported to Syria before the war, deciding to believe that tall stories of a neo-con who spends his time spying on Muslims in America. Describes global warming/climate change as a scam. Recklessly scaremongers about the possibility of a second Holocaust, describing fellow Jewish intellectuals who question Israel's actions in the occupied territories and Lebanon as "Jews for genocide". Unbelievably, despite being the most swivel-eyed writer in tabloid land, has a regular place on Radio 4's "Moral Maze". Let's not even get started on what she thinks of Islam.

Mr Littlejohn - the epitome of everything the Daily Mail stands for. A bloated, loud-mouth that is not just certain he's right, he's in love with himself as well. When he's not putting together prose about the insidiousness of homosexuality, and peppering his rants with references to Guardianistas and political correctness, he's describing the murder of 5 prostitutes as "no great loss". Never is anything the fault of those with views similar to his own - it's all down to the liberals, their insistence on imposing their values on all of us, and their general contempt for well, everything. Littlejohn has mentioned on numerous occasions that he writes so that he doesn't end up killing someone - a shame that his writing has probably ended up giving numerous other angry souls heart attacks.

Feel free to provide your own, if you so wish.

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I'm sure I'll be able to come up with something a bit more sophisticated than this, but I can't help it. Sorry:

Mr Dacre: C*nt
Mrs Dacre: C*nt
Miss Dacre: C*nt
Master Dacre: C*nt c*nt

I've only gone and lowered the tone!

Sorry about the last one. This one's eminently more sensible.

Mr Mailreader: Middle manager with delusions of grandeur. Secret stash of filthy German scat porn in shed.

Mrs Mailreader: Used to earn more than Mr Mailreader until she gave up her career for the kids. Says she doesn't regret it but does really - as she nips at the cooking sherry during the daytime wondering about what she might have thrown away.

Master Mailreader: Closeted homosexual. Well, closeted to his parents anyway. Out to everyone else.

Miss Mailreader: Secretly dates a Polish bus driver and has brown friends.

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