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Monday, August 21, 2006 

Big Brother paper-watch: The reckoning.

For those of you who've ripped the 4 button off your remote control, it's now safe (or reasonably so) for you to dive down the back of the sofa and look for it. After 13 weeks of absolute fucking hell, Big Brother has finished.

(The below opinions are based on various articles (
Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn reviews, Private Eye's review, numerous Grauniad articles) I've read on the show. I didn't watch the actual programme.)

The seventh series of Big Brother has created at the most two stars, both of which were identified within two weeks of the show beginning. Pete Bennett, the eventual winner, a cross dresser with Tourette's syndrome, quickly emerged despite his ailment as being the most normal and likeable character, and was tipped for victory from the beginning.
He's today found himself being praised in an editorial by the Observer, as well as being hailed by other Tourette's sufferers for helping the general public understand their problems better.

The other more predictable "star" was Nikki Grahame, a young woman who had previously been sectioned for suffering from anorexia. She arrived for the show dressed in a Playboy bunny outfit, and things went downhill from there. A spoilt brat, her temper tantrums got worse until she was eventually evicted by a public evidently fed-up with her. This rather peeved the show's producers, who within a couple of weeks had managed to get her back in, along with other fellow evictees. Presumably advised by her agents that attaching herself to the obvious winner would be a good idea, she announced her love for Pete, which even the most non-jaded viewer could have seen as being cynicism of the highest order. She's since admitted to being an escort, but she didn't have sex with any of her clients, which says something about the punters more than it does about her.

What about the others? Well, the show has another idiot to add to its already bulging ranks of the brain-dead. Imogen, a vacuum so powerful that she appeared to be able to pull in orbiting satellites, thought that man landed on the moon in 1903 and that there were 360 days in a leap year. Halfway through the show a sex tape featuring a Welsh female protagonist who looked mightily similar to the newly christened Dimogen appeared on the internet, and since being evicted she has done a shoot for one of the lad's mags. Shahbaz, a man so clearly mentally ill and without any social skills that it seems incredible he got past Big Brother's supposed impregnable medical checks and sessions with psychologists, left the show within a week. Bonnie, one of the first to be evicted, wasn't able to return later on because she was on police bail for non-payment of pizza deliveries. This was glossed over by the ever talentless and perennially pregnant coloured hair-ball Davina McCall, with the brilliant "legal reasons" explanation, which resulted only in a mass of googling for the real reason (I know this because the blog returned numerous search results for "sezer bonnie legal reasons", due to my initial summing up of the various housemates). That this was more exciting to many who had been watching than the show itself may well have told the producers what a complete fiasco the programme has become.

Nonetheless, the newspapers continued to lap it up.
The Daily Star, which lost 10.4% of its sales in July 2006 compared to July 2005, only missed the show off its front page 5 times during its complete run. While the Sun and Mirror were seemingly less interested than in years past, there was still a good amount of Big Brother "news" inside, despite the lack of exposure on the front covers. Interestingly, the Daily Mail and Express, both mid-market middle class Tory panic and hysteria sheets, didn't feature the show once on their front pages. Whether this is down to snobbery or not could be debated for decades. Of the broadsheets, or ex-broadsheets, the Guardian was by far the most enthusiastic about the show, featuring it in some way at least twice on its front page. There were also articles which in some way shoe-horned in the show, as we shall see.

I've tried to capture the headlines in as an accurate state as possible, hence the use of caps, etc. It should be noted that I read the Guardian, hence how I've noticed the articles written about it in there, although I'm sure I've missed some. I suspect the other broads and Mail/Express etc. had similar pieces, but seeing as the Grauniad in particular often thinks of itself as above shallow tittle-tattle, I feel that highlighting its decline into celebrity worship is justified alongside the tabs.

So without further ado, here are those Big Brother newspaper front pages in full. Some of the comments are contemporaneous to when I wrote the headlines down, some I've re-written, and some are new:

Tuesday the 23rd of May:
The Sun:
BB SPECIAL - Shahbaz on suicide watch - Get it off your chest, Nikki! HOUSE ROCKED BY ROW! (accompanied by image of Nikki barely covering her breasts which are somehow managing to remain in her dress)
Daily Star: BB FRUIT GOES NUTS - Suicidal Shahbaz to be pulled off show - MEANWHILE, Nikki takes her clothes off (again) (PS. The Star is the OFFICIAL World Cup paper)
Daily Mirror: REVEALED - Sezer's BIG secret - EXCLUSIVE
Guardian: Over on Comment is Free, Jonathan Heawood writes that "Big Brother makes us complicit in the victimisation of the damaged, the deranged and the excluded." graemewilliams in the comments gets the better of him with "There's nothing quite like cloaking voyeurism in indignation."

Wednesday 24th of May:
Sun: Shahbaz gets BBOOT - BIG BRUV LATEST!
Mirror: GONE - Shahbaz is first Big Bro casualty - JADE exclusive - Why I'll have a tummy tuck (P.s. the Daily Mirror is YOUR WORLD CUP PAPER ... JUST 16 DAYS TO GO!)
The G2 section runs an interview with the aforementioned Jade Goody, in which she startlingly reveals that she's not pretending to be thick. Elsewhere in G2 Sam Wollaston reviews the show, the paper itself covers a mental health charity protesting about the programme, and on Comment is Free, Matt Wells talks about self-delusion, involving both Mark Oaten and Shahbaz.

Thursday 25th of May:
Star: WE'VE GOT BIG BRUV'S GOLDEN TICKETS and YOU can win 'em and be a housemate! (accompanied by gorgeous pouting blonde woman holding a gold ticket while only wearing a gold bikini top) - SHAHBAZ - BB ordeal will kill me - READ MY STORY ONLY IN THE STAR
Mirror: MY PAIN By Big Brother's SHAHBAZ - EXCLUSIVE

Whether Shahbaz talked to both, or one ripped the "exclusive" off the other is unknown.

Friday 26th May
Star: GOLD RUSH - Mad race starts for our Big Bruv tickets - Dawn booted out for cheating - Bonnie 'next to go' (accompanied by gorgeous pouting blonde wearing bikini bottoms, showing off her navel while wearing a low cut t-shirt with Daily Star logo on it)

The Sun was referring to Dawn, I believe.

Saturday 27th May
Mirror - SOMEONE WILL DIE - EXCLUSIVE - Big Bro's Dawn blasts bosses
Star - BB SEZER STOLE MY BABE - Sleazy geezer's gone too far with Imogen (accompanied by photo of Imogen in her underwear) - Life's not funn-eh enough for the Bonn-eh boiler (geddit???) - WIN BIG BROTHER GOLDEN TICKETS TODAY! - You could be a housemate in two weeks and win £100,000
Sun - Big Bruv Eviction - Bonnie gets the BBoot - SCANTASTIC - Roo's on his way!
Guardian -
Brooker's Big Brother - The rodent, the posho and the pornstar - a brief guide to series seven.

Monday 29th May
Mirror - BB LEA AT 22st - amazing story is given two pages on 13 and 14 - report about Indonesian earthquake has to make do with a third of a page back at 23

Tuesday 30th May
Mirror - SENSATION - New BB girl is a BOY! - 3AM EXCLUSIVE - KATE, SEX AND ME By Big Brother's Russell Brand
Star - BB PETE: I SWEAR I'LL HAVE A SEX SWAP (also featured is gorgeous pouting Nikki Sanderson in her underwear, as some sort of link to the celeb X-Factor show)

Wednesday 31st May
Sun - BIG BRUV EXCLUSIVE - EVIL EYE - BB blast by mental health groups - Sam is fifth unstable housemate
Star - Big Brother Picture Exclusive - TRANNY SAM AS A BOY

Thursday 1st of June:
Star - Big Bro's Eviction Shock: Aisleyne (who she?) flashes the flesh (again)

Aisleyne, her of the stupidly spelled name, was I presume one of those parachuted in after Shahbaz/Dawn left.

Friday 2nd of June:
Star - Sleazer (geddit?!) and Lea battle it out - also on the front page - gorgeous pouting Michelle Marsh in her underwear after she exclusively tells the Star that Simon Cowell is scared of girls - or perhaps just of worthless cunts like Michelle Marsh who show off their body parts for huge amounts of money.

Saturday 3rd of June:
Mirror - BBitch! - The REAL Grace by her cousin
Star - HARD CHEEZER SEZER (geddit?!) - Most hated housemate ever is axed (oh, and win a £50,000 camper van!)

All this was on the same day as most of the papers were more concerned with the anti-terror raid in Forest Gate.

Monday 5th of June:
Amazingly, this was the very first day that Big Brother went without being mentioned on any mass-market UK newspaper front page. It was kicked off the Star's front page by the supposed rift between gorgeous pouting surgically enhanced Rebecca Loos (claims to fame: shagged David Beckham, jerked off a pig, got boob job) and not so gorgeous and pouting, although surgically enhanced Sharon Osbourne (claims to fame: married Ozzy Osbourne, gave birth to Kelly Osbourne, got boob job), which somehow has overshadowed the rest of the X-Factor charade.

Tuesday 6th of June:
It didn't last. The Star bellows on its front page "BIG BRO NIKKI'S 48-HOUR SEX ROMP".

Wednesday 7th of June:
Star - BB BABE'S WORLD CUP SEX HAT-TRICK - Imogen's secret romps with England ace (and Portugal and Trinidad and Tobago!) - RUSSELL BRAND - EXCLUSIVE - Kate Moss, hookers, and me

Would that Russell Brand exclusive be the same interview lifted from the previous week's Mirror? Surely not.

Thursday 8th of June:
Star - Big Bro... Small Brains (featuring two of Big Brother's stunnas in their bikini tops.)

Friday 9th of June
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead, which is the main story elsewhere on the Street of Shame. On the Star though it's business as usual. The majority of the front page is given over to the start of the World Cup, but alongside the masthead is a gorgeous pouting lovely laying down while wearing a tiny bikini and holding one of the Big Brother golden tickets with the headline: "BB's Gold ticket winner REVEALED".

Saturday 10th:
No mentions, thanks to the first England game of the World Cup.

Monday 12th:

Tuesday 13th:
And so begins the great Big Brother fix conspiracy, which the Daily Star investigates day after day over the coming weeks. This was presumably because their giving away of tickets came to nought, as someone else entirely who had previously auditioned for the show and had been rejected was drawn instead.

Star - BIG BRO IS BIG FIX - EXCLUSIVE: Gold ticket reject reveals how Suzie got into the house

Wednesday 14th:
Star - I KNEW I WAS IN BIG BRO 2 WEEKS AGO - EXCLUSIVE - Susie admits Friday's gold ticket draw WAS fixed

Of course.

Thursday 15th:
Star - RIOT COPS GUARD BB HATE TARGET GRACE - She's more loathed than sleazer Sezer - EXCLUSIVE

Friday 16th:
Star - BB Grace's love-in

Love, hate? Make up your mind!

Saturday 17th:
Star - GRACE GETS THE BOOT - BB bitch evicted as mum sells flat behind her back.
Mirror - SEX with BB's Grace - By her superman ex-lover

So, err, what happened to the riot cops?

Monday 19th:
Star - BB BANS THE BITCHES - They're banned from picking rivals for eviction

Tuesday 20th:
Star - Big Bruv Aisleyne's kinky sex website - EXCLUSIVE
Guardian - Ahh, Big Brother fever resumes in the Graun.
G2 explains what the "handstand position" is, which inevitably refers to the Sun or Mirror's interview with Grace's ex-lover, as she was especially skilled at "all of them", apparently. Elsewhere, Arabella Weir, yes the "does my bum look big in this?" woman, describes all the Big Brother contestants as repulsive, and gets paid money for it. If only life was so easy.

Wednesday 21st:
Today's Daily Star has the unenviable honour of having both the worst headline and worst pun about the show to date:
NIKKI'S HOT BOT BB PLOT (groan) - Secret sex scheme to win revealed
Sky comments on their front page review: Desperate Big Brother whinger Nikki Grahame is planning to spring a secret plan to stay in the house, the Daily Star reports.

Thursday 22nd:
Star - I missed it, but the story was along the lines that Susie's entry to the house was a fix, or something. I bet no one's reading this anyway.
Guardian - After a rest of a day, the high-minded liberal left paper of record is distracted back to the joys of Big Brother.
"In Big Brother, there are no secrets. Everyone can hear you speak, and understand what you say. Except, it seems, if you are Imogen Thomas or Glyn Wise. There they were in the Big Brother house, speaking in strange lilting accents, when the disembodied voice of authority ticked them off for speaking in "code". An article about how, err, Welsh is suddenly popular with striking resemblance to actually being an article about Big Brother in disguise.

Friday 23rd:
Star - FAKIN' THE MIKEY - He's Iranian not Scouse - His real name is Sahin - He's never been a model - FIRST FOR BB EXCLUSIVES - FULL AMAZING STORY - PAGES 8 AND 9

Someone on a reality TV show not telling the truth? Who would have thought it?

Saturday 24th:
Today marks the starting of the house within a house, with walls so thin that the other housemates could almost hear every word, and quickly came to the conclusion that a "surprise" was to be sprung on them.
Mirror - NO! FIVE NEW WEIRDOS GO INTO BB (Shouldn't that be "WEIRDOES"?)
Star - BIG BRO SECRET HOUSE NEXT DOOR ... and there's FIVE new housemates

Monday 26th:
Star - BB NIKKI FRUIT 'N NUT CASE - Health fears over secret fig stash

Or maybe Nikki was just constipated and didn't want to embarrass herself to the other housemates?

Tuesday 27th:

Wednesday 28th:
Star - Another BB cover-up exposed - BIG BRO LEA IS SECRET ALKY - Housemate downs a bottle of vodka a day - And we reveal her TRUE age
Mirror - BIG SNORTER - Big Brother's Pete hoovers up horse drug - EXCLUSIVE

The Star doesn't explain how Lea doesn't seem to be showing signs on the show itself of being an alcoholic, as she certainly doesn't have access to a bottle of vodka a day. The Mirror story is similar to those where it's exposed Kate Moss and Craig Charles, as it has a photograph of Pete snorting the horse tranquillizer and increasingly popular club drug Ketamine.

Thursday 29th:
Star - EXCLUSIVE - ANOTHER BB COVER-UP EXPOSED - AISLEYNE BLOWS LID ON BB FIX - She knows about 'secret' second house - She lets slip about 5 new housemates (with photograph of Aisleyne in a pair of tiny hipster panties)

Err, yes. Wouldn't be anything to do with Aisleyne being able to hear the housemates, would it?

Friday 30th:
Star - IT'S ANOTHER BB CONSPIRACY EXCLUSIVE - NOW BB FIXES THE WORLD CUP! - House to be told England win Cup even if we lose

Saturday 1st of July:
Star - FAKE THAT - EXCLUSIVE - BB's new housemates and, guess what, they aren't what they seem...

Monday 3rd of July:
Star - AISLEYNE WRECKS BB PLOT - Babe tells all over eviction shock (with photograph of her wearing only panties, covering her breasts with her hands)

Tuesday 4th of July:
Star - BIG BRO CRISIS TALKS - Show faces axe after this series

You can imagine the panic in the Daily Star's offices with this news. What on earth are they going to find to splash on during the barren summer months if Big Brother goes? Quick, start a campaign to save the show!

Wednesday 5th:
Star - Big Brother Suzie is a secret floosie
Guardian - Germaine Greer, who appeared on Celebrity Big Brother before leaving in a huff,
writes about the incident on the Australian Big Brother in which two male contestants allegedly sexually assaulted a female housemate.

Thursday 6th:
Star - I missed it. Apologies, but there was a story on there, although "Celebrity Love Island" took precedence as I recall.

Friday 7th:
A year on from the London bombings, and the Star's main story is - "AGENTS RIGGED IT FOR BIG BRUV STARS" with yet another photograph of one of the housemates (I'm assuming it's Aisleyne) wearing just bra, stockings and a thong with her back to the camera. The amazing courage of 7/7 victims gets a box half the size of the photo on the left.

Saturday 8th:
Star - LEA: I'LL TELL ALL ON BB FIX - Busty wannabe to get it off her chest

The Star seems to have forgotten about Lea being a "secret alky", or rather they didn't bother telling her about their "exclusive".

Monday the 10th:
Star - SPIRAL'S A BB SEX BEAST - Rapping rat goes too far with Aisleyne - EXCLUSIVE (complete with photograph of the female participants in Celebrity Love Island, all who just happen to be wearing their swimwear.)
Mirror - No Big Brother, but it does have Sophie's Love Island diet! (i.e. cry a lot, eat nothing, get hideous tattoo, become a prostitute, repeat)

Tuesday 11th:
Star - PR KING FIXED IT FOR BB SUSIE - Golden girl groomed by guru to the celebs (with picture of Bianca (who she?) with her ample assets flowing over her corset, with the Star putting the following into her mouth: Bianca - I need a boob job
Grauniad - Over on Comment is Free, Rebecca Atkinson says that
"Big Brother's freak show has produced the first warts-and-all disabled person on TV - when will the soaps follow?" Who knows? Who cares?

The PR king turns out to be Max Clifford. Whether he "fixed" or not is uncertain. I'm assuming Bianca is Bianca Gascogine, who is some relation to Paul.

Wednesday 12th:
7 explosions ripped through Mumbai's train network in the evening rush hour on Tuesday, killing at least 183, the government releases the long awaited energy review that recommends the building of new nuclear power stations, but in the street of shame things carry on as normal:
Star - B BRO FIX ROW GOES TO PM - Now top Blair MP wants answers - ANOTHER BB CONSPIRACY EXCLUSIVE (with photo of Nikki wearing a tiny pair of cut-off jeans and covering her breasts with her hands)
Mirror - REALITY TV WARS (it does mention the energy review, to be fair)

Thursday 13th:
Star - Big Bro makes fool of my Jen - EXCLUSIVE (relegated to a box by story which claims man was told he couldn't get a job because he was white)

Friday 14th:
Thursday marked the start of the Israeli-Lebanon-Hizbullah month long war. In the Street of Shame however, things just carry on as normal:
Star - AISLEYNE - New BB phone vote fiasco - EXCLUSIVE (with photograph of Nikki Sanderson wearing transparent panties, with hilarious pun alongside - Nikki's bot ITV bosses panting)

The Express, Sun and Mirror on the other hand all lead on the outrage of some badly lit photographs of Diana lying dying being published in Italy.

Saturday 15th:
Sun - Sad Nik gets Big Bro kick

Whoever came up with the term "WAG" needs to be shot, buried, dug up and then shot again.

Monday 17th:
Star - Nikki's kinky secret (with photograph of said Nikki in lingerie)
Sun - EXCLUSIVE - THE TEARS AND THE TRAUMAS - NIKKI - HER OFFICIAL STORY (SEE CENTRE PAGES) (with photograph showing off ample cleavage, naturally, or in Nikki's case, not)

Tuesday 18th:
While war continues to rage in Lebanon, all the tabloids except the Sun are still obsessed with everything else:

Wednesday 19th:
Star - BB FIX MADE MY LIFE HELL - EXCLUSIVE (Axed Dawn's torment over TV stitch-up)

However many weeks on and Dawn breaks her silence in order to back up the Star's repeated claims of a fix. That she was booted off for "cheating" doesn't seem to both worth a mention.

Thursday 20th:
Star - THROW OUT TRICKY DICKY - OFFICIAL BIG BROTHER PAPER (main story is two "Daily Star Babes" one of whom is pulling her bikini top off but covering her breasts with her hands) - RECORD BAKER

Friday 21st:

Saturday 22nd:

Rumpy pumpy, for those of you not familiar with tabloid euphemisms, means sex.

Monday 24th:
Star - Big Brother stars are heading for jail

If only.

Tuesday 25th:
Like rats leaving a sinking ship, today's Daily Star instead focuses on Love Island, rather than Big Brother. Meanwhile, both Zoo and Nuts claim to have exclusives with Nikki, one with her stripping, the other with her naked.

Wednesday 26th:
Star - NIKKI'S GOING BACK IN BB HOUSE! - Another BB EXCLUSIVE - And she's topless on p3 first (with photograph of said Nikki covering her breasts with her hands.)

Thursday 27th:
No Big Brother today, but the Star does have gorgeous pouting Sophie Anderton in her underwear on the front page, showing off her fucking grotesque lower back tattoo. According to the sages at the Star, LOVE ISLE IS BIG FIX! Someone should tell them that doesn't make grammatical sense, but plots and conspiracies seem to be a favourite of the soaraway Daily Star. Rodman reveals Sophie plot - EXCLUSIVE

Friday 28th:
Star - The main story is KATE LAWLER KINKY SEX PIC SHAME - Ex-BB star's crazed obscene romps in nightclub - JADE - Going back to BB house

It later turns out that the pictures are nothing more shameful than Lawler licking chocolate spread off her finger, and messing around with two male friends in a nightclub. The pictures were featured in the previous week's Heat magazine, and being short of news, the Star turned them into an "obscene" exclusive.

Saturday 29th:
In the most tedious news since yesterday's Daily Star revelations, Kate Lawler today reveals all to the Star - COCAINE ORGIES AND ME, which is a rather misleading headline, as Lawler denies taking cocaine or taking part in orgies. The other story is: B Bro Spiral in a spin

Monday 31st:
While every other paper except for the Sun and Express leads on the massacre in Qana, the Star dedicates yet more space to Nikki: BIG BRUV NIKKI'S DEATH THREATS - with photograph of Nikki in a transparent negligee showing off a thong, naturally - EXCLUSIVE

Tuesday 1st of August:
Star - No Big Brother, as the main story is given over to Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney's re-union at Manchester United. The other story is "BIANCA - First sex on Love Island, with accompanying shot of Bianca (who she?) in her underwear.

Wednesday 2nd:
Star - Big Bro Susie faces the boot - the main story is about one of the cunts (surely significant contributor to modern society? Ed.) on Love Island exchanging "sex texts" with becks

Thursday 3rd:
Star - BIG BRO £1.5M BETTING SCAM - EXCLUSIVE - Punters pour cash on Mikey in 2hr frenzy

Friday 4th:
Star - NUTCASE NIKKI RETURNS - She's back in house tonight - EXCLUSIVE

Saturday 5th:
Star - Big Bro £5M eviction rip-off

The Star apparently didn't see the rather predictable outcry from the fans coming, as they complained about wasting their money on voting out those who now returned. This may just be because it's just as exploitative of the fans of the show as the producers are to both them and the actual contestants.

Monday 7th:

Tuesday 8th:
Sun - Big Brother 'rip-off' crisis - furious fans demand probe
Star - BIG BRO IN TOTAL CRISIS - Golden Ticket fiasco a 'con' say TV officials - 1,500 complaints as Nikki & Susie return - Show may be sold as profits take a hit - SHOCK REPORT - Page 6 - 9

Wednesday 9th:
Star - BB: FRAUD COPS ARE CALLED IN - Complaint is lodged as 2m fans switch off

Thursday 10th:
Sun - Mikey and Grace turn on a MILLION extra views
Star - BB FIX NIKKI PETE FINAL - Insiders bet on babe to win even AFTER she was evicted

As it turned out, Glyn came second. Obviously those insiders were tricked.

Friday 11th:
All the papers go with the terror plot apparently foiled yesterday. Except for the Star, which still can't give up Big Brother even for one day:
Big Bro Grace's birthday romp... 'cos life goes on!

The other headline was the tactful "UP YOURS".

Saturday 12th:

Monday 14th:

Tuesday 15th:
Star - AISLEYNE A SECRET ACTRESS - She's done ads, movies and has showbiz agent - ANOTHER BB CON EXPOSED

The Star here wilfully ignores what it knows all too well about; that most of the "reality" stars are members of "talent" agencies that inform them of any possible parts, hence why Aisleyne has appeared as an extra in ads and movies. One such agency is
Envenio, where many of those who want to get on shows like Big Brother host CVs and show-reels. Currently on its index page it has Jonathan Leonard, as its "face of the month". He was in the "second house" for 5 days. It's not a con at all, but that doesn't stop the Star from screaming about it.

Wednesday 16th:
Star - NIKKI'S SAUCY SEX PIC SHAME - ANOTHER BB EXCLUSIVE - We reveal shocking nude snaps BB's 'Miss Innocent' tried to ban

Yes, this would be the same "Miss Innocent" who has stripped naked for Zoo and Nuts, and even, err, the Star's page three. The Star had previously revealed her "kinky secret" and about her "48-hour romps", neither of which possibly conflicted with her 'Miss Innocent' image.

Thursday 17th:
Star - BIG BRO FIXES IT SO ASH LOSES - Show in panic as she beats Nikki & Pete for final votes - YET ANOTHER BB CON EXPOSED

As stated above, Glyn came second. Pete won with 61% of the vote. The Star most likely made the story up as an attempt to get Aisleyne's exclusive story once she's out the house.

Friday 18th:
Mirror - BIG VERDICT - Read Polly Hudson's hilarious end of show report on ALL 22 housemates
Star - £2M CASH ON ASH - She's hot fave after 24-hr betting frenzy - Romp with Nikki loses Pete votes - BB FINAL, TONIGHT, CH4, 8:30PM (with photograph of Aisleyne with back to camera, wearing only a thong)

£2 million down the drain, then. The "romp" with Nikki also didn't stop Pete winning by a very comfortable margin.

Saturday 19th:
Star - PETE'S THE EFFIN STAR - He lands first ever Tourette's talk show - EXCLUSIVE
Mirror - KING PETE
Guardian -
gives over page 3 to Mark Lawson to talk a whole load of shite

Which brings to an end the Big Brother paper-watch in full. Obsolete hopes you enjoyed it more than he did.

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