I'm not working.
I've written before about self-harm. It's not cool, kids. Do as I say, not as I do. I didn't expect yesterday to be lying in a field, listening to a bird singing barely 10 feet away, giggling away to myself. I didn't expect that my brain would react to the absurdity of a 30-year-old man scratching at himself with a blade in such an incongruous setting by being precisely that, triggering a laughing fit that didn't stop for 10 minutes. I thought I remembered that hurting myself before hadn't done anything except leave scars. Perhaps it didn't then. All I can relate is that for a good few hours yesterday I felt euphoric. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I walked home. Grinning, laughing. Then once I was home it quickly wore off. The pain remained, still does somewhat. It pulses, burns slightly, like your skin does when the heat of the sun on it becomes too much.
Doctors will tell you there are a number of tell-tale signs to depression. Loss of appetite, or rather you all but stop eating. Loss of enjoyment of everything, or rather you return to what you know best, to comfort yourself. You listen to that music, you watch that TV show or those movies, you listen to that man rant about those things. Inability to sleep, which thankfully doesn't concern me as I've been on medication that helps me with that for umpteen years. Alternatively, and this does apply to me, sleeping more. Where before you were getting by on 6 hours you can now go for double that. I speak in a monotone. I stop finding attractive people attractive. I shake.
Petrified for the millionth time / Slowly my soul evaporates / No parachutes no dismal clouds / Just this fucking space
You don't expect these things. You do expect other things, but you do it anyway, because you've got no self-control, or you use that as an excuse. Let's put it at best, that you're an annoyance, rather than something more visceral, that you disappoint rather than bring someone else down with you because you're such a fucking imbecile. You beat yourself up about it, but that's not the real reason you turn against yourself, is it? You can't leave well alone because you don't know anything else, isn't that it? Can't you admit that you do this because you want to, that it's no one else's fault, despite you saying over and over again you're the only one to blame, do you really mean it? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem like it. Haven't you just proved you're a masochist, and that at root that has something to do with it? You like the pain. You might not want it, but when it comes as it always will you secretly enjoy it. You tell yourself you can't change, and when you demonstrate just that, or think you have, it just reinforces your spectacularly immature world view. There is only one solution, and you're still far too cowardly to let it envelope you totally.
It's worse than you think. Yeah, thanks Guardian, tell me something I don't already know. You see all the old barely human faces, the skin not as thick as it once was, stretched tauter over bone. What this proves is I was right all along. These people can't even wait until the corpse is cold, their glee total at what has transpired. Had it been the opposite they would have been nowhere to be seen, muttering to themselves about how it couldn't, wouldn't last. Aspiration. The centre ground. Working hard and getting on. Wealth creation and cultural affirmation. Those words coming just after the writer tells us that politics has to be emotional rather than public policy seminar or data collection exercise. This, friends, is what awaits us in the next Labour leader. It doesn't matter that no one has come up with a prescription so far on how you can win back voters in Scotland that went to the "left" while convincing those in England that went to the right that you aren't going to launch a pogrom on white van men, clearly where Labour went wrong was in not remaining on the centre ground. Like the Lib Dems, who clung to the centre because Nick Clegg decreed it and were duly squashed flat. Labour was just slightly to their left, and apparently that was enough to seal their fate. Pull the other fucking one.
This is not evidence Britain is a "fundamentally conservative country", says Matthew d'Anconservative, as if it were neither the NHS or BBC would exist. No, Britain in the era when both were created was not a fundamentally conservative country. It was a fundamentally social democratic country. Then it stopped being such and the only reason we retain both is because they remind us of what we once were, that and no one has come up with a better alternative. You can't replace an entire health system. You can get rid of the BBC though, and don't be surprised if that process begins under this glorious government. The Tories would be quite wrong to interpret the election result as a green light to cut welfare, Matt goes on. Why not? Rather than deploring the politics of heartlessness, a good percentage of the public seem to have embraced it. They've displayed a very funny way of saying they disagree with the bedroom tax, for instance. As the inestimable Flying Rodent has repeatedly said, no one makes people watch Benefits Street or all these other gawping documentaries on the poors. See, that's where Labour went wrong: too much emphasis on the poors and the riches, not enough on the middle. Because Labour didn't spend years going on interminably about the squeezed fucking middle, did it?
Half of me wants to scream that Labour needs to have the shortest leadership contest possible, regardless of whom comes out at the end of it, because it was during the navel gazing of the contest last time that the Tories banged on endlessly about the crash being all Labour's fault. With neither a Labour or Lib Dem leader in place, although hey, thank heavens for small mercies that Nigel Farage has been preserved for the nation, we can expect the same again. The other half of me though just doesn't give a shit. This result has pretty much proved there's only one thing that does for the Tories, and that's a disaster like Black Wednesday followed by the party obsessing over itself. Even then Labour can only win by going one foot to the left of the Conservatives, and as the more perceptive have pointed out, it wasn't Ed Miliband that screwed Labour in Scotland, it was a certain Mr Blair. It was a very delayed reaction, but reaction it was all the same. Hunt, Kendall, Umunna, Burnham, Cooper, whoever wins they look set to accept in full the prevailing message already dictated. None of them look quite as weird as Miliband did, although Burnham has some especially sensual eyelashes, but you think they're going to be fellated like Blair was by all comers? There's no one, and they have nothing to say.
All that's left, all I have left is to point and criticise. I'd like to think I'm reasonable at doing that, I'm dedicated at least if nothing else. I'm also always unexpected. Dedicated and unexpected. What a fantastic epitaph.