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Monday, April 08, 2013 

Death to penguins!

  • GREATEST WOMAN TO HAVE EVER LIVED, DECLARE BLAIRITES
  • GREATEST WOMAN TO HAVE EVER LIVED, DECLARE LABOUR MPS TOLD TO BE ON BEST BEHAVIOUR
  • WHO'S JOSEPHINE STARCHER, ASKS EVERYONE UNDER 16

Madam Josephine Starcher, the first and so far only female British prime minister has died at the age of 106, her chief propagandist Lord Ho Ho has announced.

Struggling to hold back the tears and dressed entirely in black, the normally jovial Ho Ho delivered his message to the massed ranks of the British press, knowing that this was a truly historic moment.  "This is a truly historic moment.  Madam Starcher is dead.  She choked on a Ritz cracker.  Mark and Carol Starcher have asked for the utmost media intrusion at this time.  As a supporter of a free press, it's what their mother would have wanted."

From humble upbringings, born into a family of fish gutters, Madam Starcher rose to be one of the defining political personalities of the 20th century.  Abandoning a career in turning the windmill round at the local crazy golf course, she joined the Conservative party, influenced heavily by the political philosophy of the German panel beater Herman von Paddle Steamer.  Realising that his aquatic based economics were rather antediluvian, she soon settled on the far more sensible writings of Fredrich von Hayek.

First selected by the Tories to contest the safe Silly Party seat of Luton, she nonetheless succeeded in reducing their majority by first 10 and then a further 5 votes.  It was not until 8 years later that she finally entered parliament, having won the London seat of Finchley thanks to a mistake on the ballot which listed her as the Ayn Rand Continuity party candidate.  The electorate were rather miffed at first to have elected someone so moderate, but soon took Starcher to their hearts.

Starcher's first taste of real power was as education secretary in the Conservative government of 1970.  Given the position by noted sailor and bon vivant Samuel O' Beckett, who approved of her past flirtation with the works of von Paddle Steamer, she excelled in the job, with her decision to introduce Turkey Twizzlers onto the lunch menu of every school in the country welcomed by all, especially newspaper owner Sir Bernard Matthews.

Rising to become leader of the party after O' Beckett mysteriously fell off a barge into the Grand Union Canal, she fought both sexism and the patronising mentality within the Conservatives, many of whom kept mistaking her for the charwoman right up until her resignation in 1990.  She nonetheless led the Conservatives to victory in 79, the Labour party's policy of discounting tents for summer holidays having been a unmitigated disaster for the country.

Once ensconced in Downing Street, she set about introducing reforms which were controversial from the outset.  At first, it seemed as though her policy of "Voucherism", whereby money was abolished and vouchers given out instead was leading Britain towards ruin, as unemployment increased by 25 million and a 6 hour week had to be put in place.  Criticised and cajoled by the "damps" in her cabinet, she gradually reintroduced money and later claimed that she had never supported voucherism at all.

Despite this set back, her first term came to be defined by the Rockall war.  The tiny island was invaded in 1982 by penguins who declared a socialist state, much to the dismay of the local population of British gannets.  Intervening on the side of the gannets, who she believed shared her political philosophy, the war lasted 30 minutes and cost the lives of approximately 59 penguins.  1 British soldier took a peck to the groin.  The successful action came to be the seen as the turning point in the government's fortunes, and the slogan "death to penguins" was a rallying cry for young Conservatives everywhere during the 83 election campaign.

Her second term was dominated at first by a strike by sewage workers, whose campaign of civil disobedience came to a head when they almost killed Starcher with a massive "shit cannon" blast in Brighton.  After defeating their leader Captain Crabs, she set about privatising much of the country's infrastructure, starting with the state owned glass eye maker.  Her victory in the 87 election assured, concerns began to be raised that power had gone to her head.  Her edict that every man, woman and the child in the country with the exception of nuns and the insane had to cut off their left ear, legislation that became known as the "ear tax", resulted in riots in Victory Square.  Challenged for the leadership of the party by Didbin Jane, she failed to win on the first ballot and was persuaded to stand down, leaving Number 10 with noticeably wet armpits.

In a sign of the unanimity of feeling across the political spectrum, a joint statement on Starcher's death has been issued on behalf of David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Nick Griffin and Nigel Farage:

"Truly, Starcher was the queen of hearts.  She cured the blind, healed the sick, and only once did she call for everyone to cut off their left ear.  Her successes were numerous, and the country was transformed from the hell hole it was in 79 to the paradise it continues to be today.  She literally single-handedly defeated the Soviet Union, the evil empire collapsing like a pack of cards with one swish of her right hook, while she also established the enterprise culture that today means anyone can take out a payday loan on an APR rate of 600,000%.  We hope that all will join us in saying one last time, death to penguins!"

Nick Clegg was unavailable.

The response elsewhere has been mixed.  In Scotland, where many of her policies were first tested out, a mass event appears to be taking place in Glasgow's George Square, although reports are unclear about whether or not the mass drinking is usual for a Monday.  Also indifferent it seems are the young, many of whom appear to be unaware of the legacy left for the country by Starcher.  One 15-year-old asked for his opinion merely grunted and then walked off, while a 17-year-old left the following message on Twitter:

"Everyone in politics is a fucking fag."

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