Thursday, February 04, 2016 

The search is over.


Update: This guy only beat me to it by 12 hours or so. Using the exact same Sooty photo no less. Memes and originality, eh?

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Monday, January 04, 2016 

Please let it be Rebel Ringo.

Yes, it's the game currently being played in newspaper offices across the country, it's the what do we call the apparent replacement for Jihadi John jamboree!  Now you too can join in, so long as you have no qualms whatsoever with coming up with an alliterative title for a masked killer who is merely a propaganda tool and has no wider significance within Islamic State whatsoever!  

Will his moniker be:

Rebel Ringo?
Genocidal George?
Plundering Paul?
Fundie Fred?
Militant Maurice?
Terrorist Terrence?
Attacker Arnold?
Salafist Samuel?
Evil Ernie?
Killer Karl?
Islamist Ian?
Balaclava Bill?
Decapitating Donald?
Headlopping Harold?
Neckcutting Nicholas?
The White Widower?
Continuity Corbyn?
Jihadi John (again)?
Hanoi Jane?
Benedict Arnold?

(That's enough silly names. Ed.)

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Saturday, January 02, 2016 

A shorter Towards a Realignment of the Left.

Me and my two other mates think other people on the Left are at best idiots, and at worst, active enablers of genocidal Stalinist Islamofascist scum.  We accept the responsibility to protect, believe in war all the time, all of the time, so long as it's not me or my mates having to do the fighting, and we read such seminal essays as Why Jeremy Corbyn is Worse Than Hitler by Dan Hodges.

However.

Some of us *also* think all the other stuff the Left thinks.

Moreover.

Some of us think both of these things at the same time.  Inspired by democratic socialist thinkers such as that dead bloke what wrote a blog, Hal David, Larry David and Groucho Marx, we are committed to new ways of thinking about critical theory and solidarity.

We intend to establish a 'little magazine', entitled Pompous Leftists With High Opinions of Themselves for War, an open online journal of ideas, mainly how right we are about everything ever, but where others of like mind can also contribute.

Without wanting to seem grandiose, knowing that we stand in the rubble of past Historic Projects of the Left, seeing our tradition stretching as far back as when The Prized Three plotted insurrection against Ethelred the Unready, only for Peter Turnip to turn on his two comrades and betray them to the Paganists, our aim is to reimagine everything - except our devotion to military action planned and executed by people who despise everything we stand for.

If you find yourself in agreement with this statement, for goodness sake keep it to yourself.

James Bloodworth Martyn Hudson Alan Johnson

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015 

Basic: journalism in 2015.

On the evening of Sunday 7 June, an easyJet flight from Bodrum, Turkey landing at Luton airport was met by police who escorted passenger Kate Moss from the plane for disruptive behaviour. The internet discussed little else for days, for this was a story with many talking points.

What were the police wearing when they arrested her?  Did Kate's dress match the plane?  Were those Schindler's Rungleforeskin sunglasses she was wearing?  Exactly how much Shatner's Bassoon fragrance did the police use as a makeshift alternative to CS spray to bring the raging model under control?

But all of that was by the by.  The detail of this story, one that literally changed the entire course of 2015, was the insult Kate threw at the pilot of the plane as she was escorted, kicking, screaming, clawing and foaming from the flight.  She called her a basic bitch, and overnight a hitherto, underground term of abuse hit the mainstream.

How we all roared with laughter at the crushing humiliation the "basic" pilot went through after being tongue lashed by this spoilt, overgrown 41-year-old millionaire brat.  What better way to make clear to such a pleb that the the normal rules clearly don't apply when it comes to a superstar model?

Because Kate is nothing like basic.  Kate is the very opposite of basic.  She smokes, she drinks, she snorts cocaine, she looks increasingly like a 65-year-old who has spent her entire life doing those things, but still all us fashion journalists love her as she is the ultimate get out.  When in doubt, write about Kate.  It's just so very basic.

Basic though has an extremely long heritage.  While difficult to pin down precisely when it was first used as an insult, Thomas Cromwell, Henry VIII's bag-handler, is recorded as describing Catherine of Aragon, the King's first wife, as "being so basic she no doubt still enjoys Chaucer".  Oscar Wilde is believed to be the ultimate progenitor, explaining to a Reading gaol screw on admittance that "I have nothing to declare except my not being basic".  Most famously, rapper Big Dick Dwayne on his track Niggas, Bitches and Being Basic, proclaimed "Basic bitches on my dick / Basic bitches on my dick / Basic bitches on my dick / Basic bitches on my dick / All you niggas basic too".  More poignantly, Sylvia Plath's final journal entry before she stuck her head in the oven reads simply "Turns out I'm basic after all."

Basic works because it can mean whatever you want it to mean.  Sure, it's mainly used by vacuous, hateful fuckbubbles who imagine themselves better than everyone else because of what they've just bought when compared to what your mum just did, and anyone using it can be effectively written off as even shallower, even snobbier and even more empty a person than whoever it's being directed at, but it can also be thrown at an arrogant, vain man, and then it's perfectly acceptable.  Face it, we all live on a rock where life at best is random, if not completely meaningless, and if we journalists can't encourage our readers to also be self-regarding consumer slaves, then what can we fill space up with?

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Thursday, November 19, 2015 

That police advice on what to do if caught up in a terrorist gun attack in full.

Developing dynamic lockdown procedures

What is dynamic lockdown?

Dynamic lockdown is the ability to quickly restrict access and egress to a site or building in response to a threat, either external or internal.  Of course, if the terrorist has got inside, then locking it down so either they can't get out or the police can't get in might not be the best idea.  Some sites due to their nature may also not be able to achieve lockdown.  In which cause you're pretty much screwed and you can probably disregard most of the rest of this note.

Why develop dynamic lockdown?

You've heard of the illusion of safety, right?

How to achieve dynamic lockdown
  • Identify all access and egress points
  • Identify how to quickly and physically secure these points.  Because your staff obviously won't be panicking and running for cover when dozens of AK-47 bullets are whizzing at them
  • Staff must be trained to act effectively and made aware of their responsibilities.  Anyone who does something stupid like play dead in the event of an attack should be fired immediately, even if they died as a result
 How to let people know what's happening
  • Public address system.  The operator should try to remain calm and not alert staff to the fact they may all be about to die
  • Dedicated "Lockdown" alarm tone.  Preferably similar to the "all clear" and "fallout" tones that would have sounded after a nuclear attack, and were practically identical.  
Training your staff
  • Train all staff using principles of "Stay Safe" (see below)
  • Resist the temptation to test staff by asking Muslim employees to grow their beards and raid the premises using toy rifles one wet day in January
How to Stay Safe
 
Run

  • Seriously, fucking run.  Use some common sense though; don't run towards the men with guns
  • Insist others leave with you.  If they're gibbering at the prospect of potentially dying, try and slap them out of it.  Drag them if you have to.  You can always use them as a shield if you get spotted
  • Leave belongings behind.  That means your iPhone, your man bag and your skinny latte.  Smashing the phone of any halfwit attempting to film the proceedings is not only highly advised, it should be considered mandatory
Hide
  • If you can't RUN, as you're morbidly obese or pissing yourself at what's happening, then HIDE
  • Outside of the line of sight of the gunmen, obviously.  If you can see them, they can probably see your worthless hide
  • Be aware of your exits.  As if you and everyone around you wasn't already
  • Try not to get trapped
  • Lock / barricade yourself in.  Yes, this contradicts the above if the gunmen shoot out the lock or break down the barricade, but at least you tried, eh?
Tell
  • Everyone on social media what's happening.  Then the BBC, ITV, the press, etc
  • Phone 999.  Just to be on the safe side
Armed Police Response
  • Remain calm.  Don't worry that all your friends and colleagues may be bleeding to death, you're safe now
  • Avoid sudden movements.  The police will be just as jittery as you, only they'll be as heavily armed as the actual attackers
Officers May
  • Point guns at you
  • Grab hold of you
  • Shoot you multiple times in the head without warning.  If you're wearing a light denim jacket or are a wookie
  • Then ask you questions
You must STAY SAFE
  • What are your plans if there were an incident?  Don't think you're safe just because you live somewhere like Cockermouth, either.  Forewarned is forearmed
  • What are the local plans in the event of a tactical nuclear weapon strike?  Are you aware of the location of the local mass grave?
  • Finally, if all else fails
  • DUCK and COVER

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Friday, November 06, 2015 

Meanwhile, in bizarro world...

It is "morally indefensible" for Britain not to be blasting fuck out of the latest threat to British streets, the defence secretary has said.

"My colleague in the other place, Lord Farmer, informs me that anal sex among teenage girls in the Home Counties has become so common and frequent that many are reporting to their local GP with incontinence," commented Michael Fallon.  "There is clearly only one solution to this problem, and that is to send our Tornados to the San Fernando Valley to deal with the evil of pornography at source."

"For anyone concerned about the potential for collateral damage, I would like to reassure them by saying that not a single civilian has been harmed in our bombing of Iraq in the past year.  Not one.  Admittedly, there was the unfortunate business of that other British citizen being killed alongside the one who was literally going to bomb us any second, but that was in Syria and was a drone strike, and anyway he was a jihadi too so deserved it."

Asked whether President Obama might object to this attack on American soil, Fallon was nonplussed.  "It would complicate matters, certainly, but that's no excuse for inaction.  The French don't agonise about these things.  They saw the potential danger of the young imitating what went on in that 2 girls 1 cup video, and immediately made it illegal for anyone or anything, whether man, animal or vegetable to defecate.  Their streets are safe, why can't ours be?"

In other news:
Pope says procreation "morally indefensible", demands that abortion be made compulsory
Bear declares shitting outside of woods "morally indefensible", demands safe areas and no fly zone in forest to defend right to shite

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Monday, September 28, 2015 

If you go down to the Fuck Parade...

Cereal Killer cafe is not the cause of gentrification, nor can it instigate the solution.  Seriously, we just sell breakfast cereal.  Not your Aldi own brand rip-offs of Frosties or Shreddies either, we're talking the real deal, imported from all over the world.  Pure 100% grade A Strawberry Smiggles, Reese's Type 2 Diabetes Puffs, Hello Kitty Bukkake from Japan, Chairman Mao's Wheat Strips from China, you name it, we can get it.  Then we'll lovingly pour it in a porcelain dish with your choice from one of over 20 different varieties of liquid, dozens of toppings, and all at the low, low price of double a whole box of the stuff.

We can't then understand why anyone could possibly object to our little cafe.  Cereal selling boutique outlet we may be, but we are also far more than that.  We offer an experience you simply can't get anywhere else: breakfast in our eyes is not just the first meal of the day, it's a way of life.  Come down to Brick Lane and be transported back to your childhood, where a bowl of heavily processed sugar and chemicals was the be all and end all of existence.  The cafe is decorated with cereal memorabilia; what others might call the detritus of marketing past we view as a social history, the story of us, as experienced through the eyes of the Honey Monster.  We are extremely serious about breakfast cereal, and we know that many of our customers are as well.  We take much influence from the grandfather of breakfast cereals, John Harvey Kellogg, who believed that Corn Flakes could help the fight against masturbation.  We credit his thinking for my brother and I's beards, as without the distraction provided by our mission to serve only the finest of the world's maize offerings we would have realised how stupid we look long ago.

Our business is in essence a love letter to the commodifcation of childhood as being a halcyon period of wonder and happiness, as well as our failure to adjust to adulthood beyond the embracing of capitalism at its most decadent.  When then a protest terms itself the "Fuck Parade", and yet we did not see any sort of love on display, let alone the promised fucking, only sneering, visceral hate and bullying, we ourselves must object.  Those on the protests may have some valid points to make, not that we heard any or would recognise them as such if put to us, but frightening our customers and vandalising our cafe is not the way to go about doing so.  Frankly, they're 10 years late in any case: the gentrification boat in Shoreditch has long since sailed.  Why don't the organisers move just a little further north and smash the glass of businesses in Hackney itself?

I mean, why us?  What is it about two hirsute blokes selling infantile food to other similarly inclined middle class individuals and urban ironists that some middle class people find so terrible?  We don't take business from anyone else, as no one before us had quite such a horrific idea, and we in fact bring tourists and rubberneckers into Brick Lane who wouldn't have come otherwise.  £4 for a bowl of cereal isn't that bad compared to the price you'll pay for a pint, and we have the same overheads as everyone else.  We can't charge someone who doesn't look like our usual clientèle less purely on that basis, on the off chance they might ordinarily get their cereal from a food bank.  Why sneer at us when plenty of our critics think nothing of paying £10.00 for a falafel sandwich from Pret a Manger swilled down with the bottled tears of a Syrian child, or £500.00 for a pair of Versace Y-fronts?  Why didn't Class War target those conglomerates rather than a small business like ours?  It's snobbery, that's what it is.

My brother and I know poverty, having been brought up in Belfast.  Our parents scrimped and scraped to buy us Lucky Charms, instilling in us the virtues of hard work and sacrifice.  That's what Cereal Killers is about: working hard, playing hard, making life better for everyone.  It saddens us that others are too immature, too selfish, too blinded by an ideology motivated by theft and envy to see us for what we really are.

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Wednesday, September 09, 2015 

Long may she reign.

Tributes were paid today to a woman who has spent the past 63 years on the toilet.

The lady, Bessie Warhammer the IIIrd, 96, from Cleethorpes, was diagnosed with Hopkins' dysentery, an especially virulent and incurable form of the infection in 1952.  Although it is not known at precisely what time Warhammer took to the brick shithouse in her back garden, it is believed her lengthy reign on the porcelain telephone has now broken the record previously set by Lady Victoria Price, who famously suffered so badly from incontinence that she walked around with a convenience strapped to her at all times.

Leading the messages of encouragement was prime minister David Cameron.  Speaking in the Commons, he described Warhammer's long battle with the sewage system as "truly humbling".  "Bessie has such a sense of selfless service that she thought today should just be an ordinary day.  When so much else has changed, that one woman could have made the sacrifices she has, not seeing her children grow up, witnessing her house burn down and being unable to do anything about it as she was indisposed, refusing to lower the Warhammer standard when Princess Diana died, things we can hardly begin to imagine, on today of all days her honour must be recognised.  Truly, her smallest room struggle has been the brown thread running through three post-war generations."

In one of her final acts as interim Labour leader, Harriet Harman added that it was "no exaggeration" to say Warhammer was "admired by dozens around the world".  "Many of those people are still having to poo in a hole in the ground, and Bessie's story reminds them that they too can aspire to live in a toilet of their very own.  The Labour party will do everything it can to help them achieve those dreams."

Speaking from the specially constructed bathroom in the nursing home where she now lives, Warhammer maintained the understated air she has become known for.  "This was not a title to which I have ever aspired, but I thank everyone for their touching messages of great kindness.  Now will someone please put me out of my fucking misery?"

In other news:

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Monday, August 31, 2015 

Jeremy Corbyn threat to economic security, says George Osborne.

Labour under the “far left” anti-nuclear leadership of Jeremy Corbyn will be a threat to Britain’s national and economic security, George Osborne has declared.

"The man is frankly a lunatic," the chancellor said.  "Not only does he want to get rid of our insanely expensive doomsday devices, the ones we can't use without the permission of the Americans and have to be built with their help in any case, making them independent in the same way as my arsehole is from the rest of my body, and which are practically useless anyway when the main threat remains not an opposing state but international terrorism, he wants to let mass-murdering jihadist nutjobs off the hook as well!  How can the rest of the world possibly take us seriously if we don't just slaughter our foes like they do?  Put Bin Laden on trial?  You're having a bubble mate."

George Osborne is likely to be our next prime minister.

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Thursday, August 20, 2015 

New victim of Labour purge identified.

There was consternation today after it emerged Ed Miliband's incipient beard has been denied a vote in the Labour leadership election.  The new facial appendage was informed via email, in what has been dubbed the "great Labour purge", that it does not support the "aims and values" of the party.

"It's an outrageous decision," said Keith Flett, chief executive of the Beard Liberation Front.  "The idea that beards are anything but rooted in Labour values is absurd.  From Marx and Engels to Keir Hardie, from Ramsay MacDonald to that apology for a moustache that once took up space below Ken Livingstone's nose, from Peter Mandelson to Robin Cook, facial hair and the Labour party have always gone together.  To deny this is to deny history.  The Milibeard must have its vote restored forthwith."

A spokesman for the Labour party, who refused to comment on whether he too had decided to forgo using a razor for a couple of weeks, denied that the decision had been made in error.  "We have reason to believe that the Milibeard is an unconscious attempt on the part of Ed to indicate support for Jeremy Corbyn.  As all former leaders are required to either keep shtum or endorse Yvette Cooper, we had no option but to remove his vote."

It as yet unclear whether Ed plans to add to his new hipster image by getting a sleeve tattoo and opening a breakfast cereal pop-up eatery in Shoreditch.

In other news:

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Wednesday, August 12, 2015 

"One girl was clearly upset by what was going on."

The singer Paloma Faith has been found guilty of a public order offence following an impromptu gig at a private function in Hyde Park.

"I was shocked," said Andrew Shandy, giving evidence for the prosecution.  "There I was, just about to shoot my bolt, and suddenly this excruciating noise started up.  It startled everyone.  At first I thought someone had got a little bit too enthusiastic with the noshing, but then I realised the screeching was vaguely in tune and made out the words truth and beautiful.  The last thing you want at an event like that is Paloma's brand of nasal bird scaring."

The court heard that the singer had mistakenly turned up at the Blowjobs in the Park (incorporating Cunnilingus in the City) cheese, wine and fellatio picnic bonanza believing it to be the adjacent Radio 2 Party in the Park concert.  Rather than make a swift exit, and despite the entreaties of the organisers, Faith saw fit to serenade the exhibitionists with songs such as Slightly Tipsy and Only Teeth Hurt Like This.

Passing judgement, Mr Justice Cocklecarrot commented: "This was particularly revolting behaviour.  Generally we turn a blind eye to such indiscretions so long as they take place in full view of CCTV or in dimly lit rural car parks.  The sheer number of people that filmed your performance when there was so much other action going on stands as testament to that."

Ms Faith, 48, of Shoreditch, was fined £10 and pleaded with to pack it in.

--


Labour MP for Rochdale Simon Danzcuk has called for an immediate halt to the party's leadership contest, saying that survivors of child abuse have no confidence in Jeremy Corbyn's ability to hold the establishment to account.

"Survivors tell me that they could never put their trust in a man with a beard, not least one who has represented Islington for over 30 years, the other dark heart of the country, apart from all the others.  Should Corbyn win the leadership nonetheless, I pledge to lead an immediate coup and install Our Liz, the sensible candidate for sensible times as leader for life, or at least until we inevitably lose again."

In other news:

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Tuesday, August 11, 2015 

Turkey PM: Syria no-Kurd zone needed.

The Turkish prime minister has told the BBC that Turkey will continue pushing for a no-Kurd zone in northern Syria, as the Turkish government is quite frankly that evil.

"It's fairly remarkable what you can get away with so long as you claim to be against Islamic State," Ahmet Davutoglu told yet another bloke called Jeremy.  "We've bombed almost precisely two supposed Islamic State targets since Islamic State killed a bunch of socialist teenagers that frankly we're better off without.  Once that was out of the way we've targeted the Kurds exclusively.  Yes, those are the same Kurds that have been the only truly effective ground force against Islamic State other than the Syrian army.  Confused?  You shouldn't be."

"You see, we're so utterly myopic that we fear the Kurds far more than we do Islamic State.  The Kurds are represented mainly by liberals, leftists, secularists, people that we in the AKP utterly loathe and detest.  Islamic State we can do business with, at least until they decide to extend their caliphate to Istanbul and Ankara, whereas the Kurds merely want their own state, not to go on expanding and subjugating everyone in their path.  You can see our way of thinking, right?"

"Not that it's surprising so many are still so utterly ignorant about all this.  Natalie Nougayrède (crazy name, crazy gal?!) in the Guardian is still pushing the line that if only Barack Obama had let Hillary Clinton arm the moderate Syrian rebels then Assad might just have been forced into peace negotiations.  This of course ignores the fact that Western governments from the outset said Assad had to go, that Saudis, Qataris and Kuwaitis were quickly funnelling money and weapons to jihadists and that still the thinking remains that a stalemate is preferable to either Assad or Islamic State winning outright, hence why nothing has changed on that score, but it's the kind of argument you've come to expect.  No wonder hardly anyone minds when we start killing the only people involved who aren't fanatical sectarians."

In other news:

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Friday, August 07, 2015 

Britain, August 2015 part 2.

EXCLUSIVE TO THE SPECTATOR

JONATHAN KING: ALL THOSE OTHER MEN WHO CLEARLY WEREN'T GAY AS THEY WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH ME

LIBERACE: I TINKLED ON HIS IVORIES, BUT HE TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF WHEN I GRABBED HIS KNOB

ROCK HUDSON: I RAN ROUND HIS RUGGED GOOD LOOKS, BUT STILL COULDN'T GET IN HIS PANTS

TOM DRIBERG: I BEGGED HIM TO TAKE ME BACK TO HIS CONSTITUENCY AND PREPARE FOR MY PROTUBERANCE, BUT THEN HE THREATENED TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR

OSCAR WILDE: TO BE REJECTED ONCE MAY BE REGARDED AS MISFORTUNE, TWICE SEEMS LIKE CARELESSNESS

NO WONDER I HAD TO LOOK ELSEWHERE, HUH?  THANKS INCIDENTALLY FRASER FOR LETTING ME MAKE CLEAR JUST HOW NOT INNOCENT I AM AND DRAGGING TED HEATH INTO IT IN THE BARGAIN

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Thursday, August 06, 2015 

Britain, August 2015.

EXARO NEWS EXCLUSIVE

JIMMY SAVILE'S UNCLE'S NEPHEW'S BROTHER'S COUSIN'S DOG'S MOTHER'S GERBIL WAS SHOVED UP SIR TED HEATH'S ANUS, SAYS MAN WHO REFUSED TO COMMENT

"THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF OUR EXPOSURE OF JUST HOW SHOCKINGLY LOW JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS HAVE FALLEN IN THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE," COMMENTS EXARO NEWS EDITOR HARRY HAMSTER
 

In other news: 
Did Cilla Black fall over and have a stroke to distract attention from Westminster paedophile scandal?
Total nutjob Noel Edmonds warns of the dangers of "electro smog", what a loon, eh?
Blogger goes totally off the deep end into victim blaming, concern trolling and general prat-arsing in futile attempt to prove something

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Thursday, July 30, 2015 

Send in the clowns.

Amid the continuing delays at the Channel Tunnel, MPs and media alike today demanded that the military be deployed to help stem the crisis.

"The army must be sent to Dover," said MP Davide Davies.  "Every year this problem gets worse.  Swarms of disgusting British tourists force their way into France, disrespecting our culture, our women and our language.  They sing songs asking where were we during WW2, get drunk, urinate in the streets and dare each other to have sex with goats.  Any benefit from the money they spend is outweighed by the carnage that follows in their wake, which we then have to pay to put right.  It's a completely false economy."

The extreme right-wing newspaper Le Courrier meanwhile had its own take on the factors behind the tourist surge.  "It's the benefits, stupid.  The British government pays so much to feckless layabouts that they feel entitled to come over here with all their friends.  Not that it is just the evil poor.  The problem is exactly the same at the other end of the scale: villages in the south have been bought wholesale by the dreaded "champagne socialists", leaving nowhere for our children to live.  When exactly will we start looking after our own?"


More sanguine voices have been at pains to point out France in fact plays host to relatively few British tourists, and that they mainly head through the country to other destinations.  "Spain is by far the worst affected, with Marbella, Benidorm and Ibiza swamped by a mixture of social classes," commented TV host Antoine de Caunes.  "We get off lightly compared to places like San Antonio, where braying trustafarians party alongside your common garden permissives, who are more than willing to give dozens of blowjobs in exchange for a single shot of Sambuca.  Back in the old days we would have made a highly amusing little short film about that, complete with silly accents."

The reaction in Britain has so far been muted.  Premier David Cameron declined to comment, while the Sun refused to be drawn into a slanging match. "It's the silly season, so the French media is just indulging in its only sure sellers: bigotry, xenophobia and casual racism," commented a spokesman.  "We're above that sort of thing."

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Tuesday, June 30, 2015 

Membership of Conservative party 'may be sign of extremism'

Education secretary Nicky Morgan has defended the government ahead of tomorrow's introduction of a legal requirement on schools to prevent extremism.

Morgan, who still looks visibly surprised to be in a position of any authority whatsoever, was combative.  "What our critics have to understand is this puts us under the same level of scrutiny as everyone else.  And let's be honest here, the Conservative party could until recently have fallen foul of our definition of what extremism is.  The mutual respect and tolerance of different faiths and beliefs? I should coco."

"Individual liberty is all well and good, but if it leads to someone saying things we now declare to be extremism of the non-violent variety then obviously we have to step in," Morgan continued.  "As for the rule of law, the law is whatever we declare it to be, and if we don't like the interpretation of one judge, well, we can always get that of another.  Nor are we safe when it comes to democracy, as we have no problem whatsoever with palling up with some of the most unpleasant governments on the face of the planet, like our good friends the Saudis, who respond to demands for freedom of thought with the sword and the whip.  Did you see there was another attack today in Yemen claimed by Isil on the Houthis?  We're hoping no one notices that we are on the same side as IS there, not to forget allied with al-Qaida's affiliate the Nusra front in Syria."

Asked whether it was the height of hypocrisy for Morgan to claim that homophobia might be a sign of extremism when she and many other Conservatives opposed gay marriage, Morgan gave a remarkably straight answer.  "Well, obviously.  But we either can't or won't do anything real that might help tackle extremism, so we decided making life even more miserable for some of the people least likely to vote for us was as good a way of any of showing we're doing something."


In other news:
Fifteen-year-old threatened with TPIM for describing teacher as "well gay"
Parents of latest IS runaway blame teachers, police, government, social media, Basil Brush, Charlotte Church, and Buzz Aldrin for her disappearance
Counter-terrorism exercise held in London, officers trained to shoot for head of nearest Brazilian
Labour party abandons policy of social democracy, as "issue is gone"

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Saturday, June 27, 2015 

AL-SUN PLOT TO BOMB UK TODAY

A plot by the Sun newspaper to bomb an Armed Forces Day parade in Britain has been foiled by the Islamic State, the Raqqa Guardian can reveal.

The plot, intended to target the unit of murdered soldier Lee Rigby, was disrupted after Islamic State informed the British police and security services of how the newspaper's journalists had made contact with them.

"They told us they were willing to do the work for Allah," said Abu Oo Ee Oo Ah Ah Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang al-Farqu, "which tipped us off immediately.  None of our recruits talk like that, as they aren't complete imbeciles.  We realised from the start they were either a journalist, or an especially stupid spy, and so played them at their own game.  We first asked if they had access to firearms, then gave them a bunch of fake ingredients and instructions on how to make a pressure cooker bomb.  We even told them to film a martyrdom video, just to make it seem authentic.  They even believed the crap we told them about spraying the shrapnel with rat poison, for goodness sake."

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "It is always helpful when journalists invent terrorist plots, as the Sun did in this case, as we clearly don't have enough to do already.  It also makes the public more likely to jump at their own shadow and pick on brown people with backpacks, which is exactly the kind of behaviour we think should be encouraged."

Abu Rupert al-Murdoch could not be reached for comment.

Inside:
Page 3 - Today's martyrdom lovely
Page 94 - Actual Brits killed in real terrorist attack

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Tuesday, June 02, 2015 

The Charles Kennedy I didn't know.

In common with most of my fellow journalists commissioned to write about him following his untimely death, I never actually met Charles "Charlie" Kennedy, as he was universally known to all us political commentators.  A fearsomely tall man, muscularly built and with a booming voice, you most certainly would have seen him coming.

And yet from such low beginnings did this titan of Liberal politics rise to lead his merry band into the coveted third party position it wishes it still retained.  Born on the banks of Loch Lochbaer to parents from parts unknown, he fought against the twin barriers of being ginger and Scottish from the start.  Known as "Charlie" at school, he disdained the local custom of hanging around the local newsagents swigging from a bottle of Buckfast, and instead preferred to attend debates at the local corn exchange, where he first gained his liking for a wee dram or 13.  It was also here that he became known as something of a bruiser, objecting to a particular point of view from the local son of the manse, a certain Alex Ferguson, by giving him a firm punch on the bottom.  It was an incident that led to Ferguson never speaking to Chaz again, and a lifetime ban from Old Trafford.

Like so many young people, Chalkie had to leave school on finishing exams.  Despite an indifferent academic career up until that point, he was accepted by Glasgow University to read ancient Aramaic, a choice that seemed strange to everyone who knew him at that point as "Bluff" Charlie.  He nonetheless excelled, not only at his studies but also at anything he seemingly turned his hand to: Chattanooga swiftly became president of the student union, war correspondent for the Scotsman and also won the Watney's Red Barrel Have I Gone Blind Yet? championship 1981.  He likewise gained notoriety for his ability to seduce both male and female contemporaries, such was the raw animal magnetism he radiated at this stage in his life.  Later described as the Scottish Lynn Barber, it is estimated he slept with over 6,000 people in his first term alone.

Although offered the then vacant role of James Bond by MGM, Chaffinch knew his future lay in politics.  Unexpectedly winning the seat of Morose, Skye and Balamory at the first attempt for the nascent Dr Death Nuclear Doom party in 1983, he joined fellow future household names such as Geoffrey Dickens, Robert Kilroy-Silk and Gyles Brandreth at Westminster.  Such associations understandably led to the much too young Chappaquiddick taking solace in the bottle, to which he invariably returned throughout his parliamentary career.  As however by the standards of the time his drinking was considered to be social, only requiring medical intervention 4 times over the space of 5 years, it was little remarked upon.

Kennedy was by this point rising in the estimation of the Liberal Democrat party leadership, as the David Owen-led Doom party had dissolved into.  Charlie further built public recognition by appearing on a number of popular television shows, including That's My Dog, Supermarket Sweep, Bullseye and most notably, Have I Got News for You?, where he sat alongside Paul Merton trying to get a word in edgeways.  Such performances made him a natural frontrunner for the Lib Dem leadership after the sudden death of Paddy Ashdown in a tragic hat-swallowing stunt, winning the contest by a landslide, receiving 29 votes out of 30 in the membership ballot.

The great turning point in Charlie's political journey occurred with his decision to oppose the Iraq war.  Advised against rocking the boat from both within and outside his party, as well as warned by friend Alastair Campbell to avoid walking alone in woodland or up mountains, he ignored all such entreaties, going as far as to attend the 25 million strong 15th Feb 2003 protest in London.  He electrified the crowd with his "I don't think this war thing's a good idea, on the whole" oratory, and for a moment "Chaz-mania" swept the country.  Two years later he led his party to its best ever result in a general election, winning 62 seats in the Commons.

His success was also to be his downfall.  Impatient, ambitious colleagues within the party, concerned that his drinking would eventually cause it incalculable damage briefed extensively against him.  A last ditch effort by Kennedy to flush out his opponents in a leadership contest lasted all of a day before he resigned and accepted he would not stand again.  His successor, the 154-year-old Methuselah Campbell, himself only lasted 18 months in the role before he was smothered by Nicholas "Nick" Clegg.

Chaz returned to the wilderness, an embittered if still witty and well-loved figure, and was one of only three others in the party with the foresight to abstain on the vote on whether to go into government with the Conservatives in 2010.  His refusal to endorse the coalition did not save him from the great Sturgeon surge of 2015, losing not only his seat but also we must speculate in the most tasteless way possible much else besides.  In detail we journalists and his now talkative "confidantes" must discuss his demons and flaws, rather than wonder precisely how it was such a thoroughly decent man could be treated so shoddily and with such little respect by those around him who claimed to be his friends.  A party leader who was human enough to admit to a drink problem despite never being caught in public the worse for wear and yet was still punished for it?  Certainly, we shall not see his like again.

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Thursday, April 02, 2015 

An alternative leaders' debate live blog.

Not Kay Burley: Good evening and welcome to the ITV leaders' debate.  I'm Not Kay Burley, and you're no doubt ecstatic about that.  Tonight we are joined by David Cameron, prime minister and leader of the Stupid party, Edward Miliband, leader of the opposition and the Less Stupid party, Nicholas Clegg, deputy prime minister and leader of the Middle of the Road party, Natalie Gordon-Bennett, leader of the Green Crap party, Nigel Faragista, leader of the Stick Up Your Arse party, Nicola Caviar, leader of the Moon on a Stick party, and finally, Leanne Who, leader of the Party of Wails. 

All: Good evening, Not.

Not Kay Burley: Shall we get the preliminaries out of the way now?

Everyone, except Clegg: We don't agree with Nick.

Not: Excellent. The leaders drew lots beforehand and Natalie gets to start us off with her opening statement.


Gordon-Bennett: The Green party is not an inevitability.  Other parties trade on fear of immigrants: we don't trade on anything.

Faragista: There are six other leaders on this platform this evening that don't monomanically focus on one issue.  I will never ever sink to their level.

Clegg: I won't pretend things are perfect, or that I haven't made mistakes.  I have.

Caviar: This is your opportunity to affect change at Westminster.  Do this by voting for a party that wants to leave it.

Cameron: 5 years ago Britain was on the brink.  I've done my level best to push it over.

Who: I'm from Wales.

Miliband: We can do better than this.  My party could have done better than me.

Not: Our first question is from a politics student.

Cunt: I'm 17 years old.  This is incredibly important.  How can I possibly believe anything you say about anything?

Clegg: You can't.  But rest assured we'll cut the deficit the Liberal Democrat way: by pretending to have not actually done anything at all.

Cameron: It's all Labour's fault.

Who: I'm Welsh.

Faragista: You're right, you can't trust anything I say.  Now watch me try to troll Caviar.

Miliband: We'll do it fairly, just like the other parties.  Who you can't trust to say they will.

Clegg: Balance.

Cameron: Balance.

Miliband: Balance.

Farage: BALANCE.

Cameron: I have here on this piece of paper...

Miliband: The past.  Not the future.


Who: I'm from the valleys.

Farage: There needs to be a rebalancing.  The Scots have to be tipped over.

Gordon-Bennett: Let's talk about employment.  How did I get this job?

Clegg: You have to make the necessary cuts because you have to.  Here, have my neck, I don't need it.

Cameron: A lot more debt and more taxes.  A lot more debt and more taxes.

Faragist: Let's stop spending money on Bongo Bongo land.  And then put our relations with Europe on the same level.

Not: Time for our next question.

Kelly: I worked in the NHS.  How are we going to keep funding it?

Faragista: The NHS is great, and I don't bear any grudges over the loss of my left bollock, that was entirely down to an Indian doctor.

Caviar: The way to save the NHS is to end austerity.  We can do this by simply willing it enough.

Gordon-Bennett: The NHS wasn't important in 2010.  It still isn't for me, I've got private insurance.

Clegg: The NHS doesn't need warm words, it needs warm blood.  I'm doing my bit.

Who: We invented the NHS.

Miliband: Here's a ream of the new doctors we'll hire that I hope won't completely wash over you.

Cameron: There's only one group of politicians who cut the NHS over the past 5 years, and that was my party as funding didn't keep pace with inflation.

Farage: Let's discuss something entirely irrelevant.  Romanian vampires are drinking our blood banks dry.

Gordon-Bennett: I think you'll find Romanian vampires are the very backbone of the NHS.

Clegg: No, let's talk about mental health.  Everyone watching this must be suffering very severely.

Caviar: I have set out an entirely sensible plan whereby we can raise funding on the NHS by 100% while not cutting welfare at all.

Faragista: No one is listening to me, so from now on I'm going to keep on talking about irrelevant things that would shame fascists.

Who: You are a despicable human being.

Audience: *Applause*

Cameron: If Labour get back in, their target culture will kill your elderly relatives.

Miliband: You broke your promises.  You failed the country.

Cameron: You bankrupted the country.

Miliband: The people will decide.

Everyone watching at home: We've decided to turn this ghastly spectacle off.

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Monday, February 09, 2015 

Let's hope there's more happening tomorrow, eh?

In a completely expected outburst, the Prince of Wales has voiced his concern at how despite getting the benefits of a British education, some young people are still drawn towards extremism.

"It baffles one really.  I think it could have a certain amount to do with the way children are brought up these days to believe they can do absolutely anything, when in fact their life choices are nearly always defined by the circumstances of their birth.  They are led to believe they will become all powerful once they reach adulthood, and then reality hits.  Some will adjust to this by writing letters to all and sundry and generally being annoying, while others will grasp a black flag and start chopping off heads.

"It's all quite appalling, which is exactly what I told my dear friends in Saudi Arabia when I visited recently to commiserate on the death of their ruling monarch, which as an aside is something others could take inspiration from.  They nodded sagely, then asked if there was anything they could do to speed things along here.  I turned down their suggestion, but it was a nice thought regardless."

In other news:

World renowned marketing bell-end Martin Sorrell has intervened in the continuing all-in mud wrestling showdown between Labour, the Conservatives and the business community, in what he modestly described as a Sorrell's choice.

"It's a conundrum for business.  On the one hand, you have the Conservatives, promising a referendum on EU membership, with all the uncertainty that entails.  On the other, you have the Labour party, which is saying people like me should pay our fair share of tax, and expect to get criticised if we say they would be a catastrophe via interviews with right-wing hacks from our mansions in Monaco.

"My solution, a Sorrell's choice if you will, is to fuck off to wherever will take me and then move back as soon as possible afterwards hoping no one will remember I did so for tax reasons.  Otherwise everyone might think I'm just the latest tax avoiding prick to say vote Conservative, only if not in so many words."

In brief:
Tony Blair promises to "do what it takes" to help Labour win the election - "I'm going to Mars for the duration," says the slowly melting frotteur of dictators
The rich in once again failing to pass through eye of a needle shock
Awards ceremonies give prizes to dull and predictable films and music - dull and predictable dullard Kanye West demands further recognition for dull and predictable music over other dull and predictable music
President Obama suggests arming Ukraine - "Nothing can possibly go wrong," insists veteran of Libyan and Syrian mass death fests
Monday in February in unbelievably slow news day drama

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