An alternative leaders' debate live blog.
All: Good evening, Not.
Not Kay Burley: Shall we get the preliminaries out of the way now?
Everyone, except Clegg: We don't agree with Nick.
Not: Excellent. The leaders drew lots beforehand and Natalie gets to start us off with her opening statement.
Gordon-Bennett: The Green party is not an inevitability. Other parties trade on fear of immigrants: we don't trade on anything.
Faragista: There are six other leaders on this platform this evening that don't monomanically focus on one issue. I will never ever sink to their level.
Clegg: I won't pretend things are perfect, or that I haven't made mistakes. I have.
Caviar: This is your opportunity to affect change at Westminster. Do this by voting for a party that wants to leave it.
Cameron: 5 years ago Britain was on the brink. I've done my level best to push it over.
Who: I'm from Wales.
Miliband: We can do better than this. My party could have done better than me.
Not: Our first question is from a politics student.
Cunt: I'm 17 years old. This is incredibly important. How can I possibly believe anything you say about anything?
Clegg: You can't. But rest assured we'll cut the deficit the Liberal Democrat way: by pretending to have not actually done anything at all.
Cameron: It's all Labour's fault.
Who: I'm Welsh.
Faragista: You're right, you can't trust anything I say. Now watch me try to troll Caviar.
Miliband: We'll do it fairly, just like the other parties. Who you can't trust to say they will.
Cameron: I have here on this piece of paper...
Miliband: The past. Not the future.
Who: I'm from the valleys.
Farage: There needs to be a rebalancing. The Scots have to be tipped over.
Gordon-Bennett: Let's talk about employment. How did I get this job?
Clegg: You have to make the necessary cuts because you have to. Here, have my neck, I don't need it.
Cameron: A lot more debt and more taxes. A lot more debt and more taxes.
Faragist: Let's stop spending money on Bongo Bongo land. And then put our relations with Europe on the same level.
Not: Time for our next question.
Kelly: I worked in the NHS. How are we going to keep funding it?
Faragista: The NHS is great, and I don't bear any grudges over the loss of my left bollock, that was entirely down to an Indian doctor.
Caviar: The way to save the NHS is to end austerity. We can do this by simply willing it enough.
Gordon-Bennett: The NHS wasn't important in 2010. It still isn't for me, I've got private insurance.
Clegg: The NHS doesn't need warm words, it needs warm blood. I'm doing my bit.
Who: We invented the NHS.
Miliband: Here's a ream of the new doctors we'll hire that I hope won't completely wash over you.
Cameron: There's only one group of politicians who cut the NHS over the past 5 years, and that was my party as funding didn't keep pace with inflation.
Farage: Let's discuss something entirely irrelevant. Romanian vampires are drinking our blood banks dry.
Gordon-Bennett: I think you'll find Romanian vampires are the very backbone of the NHS.
Clegg: No, let's talk about mental health. Everyone watching this must be suffering very severely.
Caviar: I have set out an entirely sensible plan whereby we can raise funding on the NHS by 100% while not cutting welfare at all.
Faragista: No one is listening to me, so from now on I'm going to keep on talking about irrelevant things that would shame fascists.
Who: You are a despicable human being.
Cameron: If Labour get back in, their target culture will kill your elderly relatives.
Miliband: You broke your promises. You failed the country.
Cameron: You bankrupted the country.
Miliband: The people will decide.
Everyone watching at home: We've decided to turn this ghastly spectacle off.